When Fangirls Attack! LOTRstyle
by August DuMonte
Summary: The legendary parody of Self-Insert Mary-Sue fics gone Horrybly Wrong! Seriously. UPDATE: Chapter 9, Ultra ADD-ON Chapter is up! read and review, please!
1. I don't think we're in Poland anymore

WFA! LOTR-style:

More funny shit from the folks who brought you the Persona MST.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters except myself. Endril and Mufasa belong to themselves, and I use them with permission. 

Summary: As you expected, a group of teenage girls end up in Middle Earth. And finds that there's thousands of fangirls already there. Good God! What will they do? How will Aragorn and company deal with it all? Set in Two Towers. 

***

Three figures stood on a hill, overlooking the plains of Rohan. They were less than surprised when three other figures materialized out of thin air a good distance away. In fact, they were a bit annoyed.

"I'll take them out." Legolas murmured, fitting an arrow to his bow.

"Just a warning shot, mind you." admonished Aragorn.

"Too late." The bolt flew screaming into the sky, its targets completely unaware of the danger. 

***

            The girls had landed in a rather undignified heap in the middle of a field. There was much confusion. And pain. There was a lot of that, too. 

"Oww…" August groaned. "Get off me, Fas-oh, my god."

"What is it?" Endril asked. Her voice was slightly muffled since August happened to be sitting on her. 

"This isn't Warsaw."

"How can you-Oh. You're right, it isn't."

"This isn't even Poland." Mufasa replied, getting to her feet. "GAH! What happened to my feet?!"

"Wha?" August asked. She stowed the knife in her bag and blinked in confusion.

"Ma FEET!! They're all…big! And not cute!" August blinked some more. 

"Dude, you're all short."

Endril, who had been looking at as far-off hilltop, tapped August on her arm. 

"Move to your left."

"Why?" asked August as she did so. An instant later, something fell out of the sky, pinning the end of her cloak to the ground. Two instants later, August realized two things: one, the thing that had narrowly missed killing her was an arrow, and two, the hadn't been wearing a cloak before. She was now. 

"What the hell is going on?!" she yelled, reaching for her sidearm. It wasn't there. "My gun! Where's my gun?!"

"What happened to my feet?" Mufasa wailed. 

"Something really strange is going on." Endril remarked. 

"Well, thank you for that brilliant statement of the obvious, End." August muttered as she pulled the arrow out of her cloak. She then looked up at Endril. "Shit! You're tall! Taller than me!"

"Well, that's not difficult." Mufasa replied.

"No, I mean non-human tallness! Shit, Endy, you're an Elf!"

"Wow! So I am! No wonder I could see them so well." Replied the newly-elven Endril.

"See who?"

"Oh, those guys that shot at you. They're headed this way."

"Damn, we're in a tight spot." A look of realization came over August's face.

"What is it?" Fasa asked.

"Endril, you could see whoever shot at me; I can see a blur."

"Looks like the blond dude is in the lead. There are two others following. A brunette and a short guy with a helmet."

"Whatever. On with my needless, space-filling circular explanation: As I have perfect vision, it means that the people who shot at us are very far away."

"And getting closer."

"Shut up." August said angrily. "We have assessed that Endril is an Elf. Therefore, the archer on the hilltop must also be an Elf in order to hit my cloak at this range. 

"And?" Endril asked. They're getting closer, you know."

"And Fasa is suddenly short, with abnormally large feet. And all our high-tech weapons are gone."

"What high-tech weapons?" Fasa asked.

"Okay, MY high-tech Nazi-killing weapons are gone. Fasa turned into a Hobbit, and we're somewhere in the past."

"We're in Middle Earth?" Mufasa shrieked.

"Well, we've found ourselves a real group of mental ninjas, haven't we, Aragorn?" The blond Elf shouted back to his companions as he ran up. "More fans, I expect. I say we just kill them before they have a chance to alter the 'storyline' any more than it has been." He brushed a strand of hair out of his grey eyes and stared accusingly at the girls. 

            Mufasa had fainted. August was currently experiencing a cocktail of emotions made up primarily of awe, utterly incredulous shock, and lust. Lust seemed to be winning. 

"But we're not fans!" Endril cried desperately, somehow managing to keep her sanity for the moment. "We're emissaries from…um…" August kicked her. "Rivendell! Yes! And Elrond told us to tell you that…"

"That gosh darnit, why'd you let Frodo take the ring all by himself? We're all doomed now!" August added in hysterically. The hysteria was largely due to the fact that the Elf's companions had just run up: there was an incredibly gorgeous, ruggedly handsome guy with a kingly yet gloomy air. And there was also a Dwarf, but no one really cared much about him.

"Wow!" Mufasa cheeped, coming around. "You're ruggedly handsome, guy!"

He began rubbing his temples, as if he had heard this all way too many times before, and had a major migraine. He did. 

And so they stood: the Elf glaring at the intruders, the man wishing the nonsense would stop, and the Dwarf looking surly and disgruntled. Mufasa was in joyous shock in getting to meet some of her favorite literary bishonen, and August was drooling slightly, her eyes darting back and forth between the sexy, wild-looking Aragorn, who exuded an aura of 'romantic lead' almost as overpowering as Jude Law, and Legolas, the cleanest-looking of the group, and whom August was fairly certain had really nice abs. 

"You should wear less clothes." She babbled incoherently as she pointed at the male Elf. 

Endril was in a similar state, but apparently had enough mysterious Elven power to remain conscious. She really wanted to get this annoying silence over with, so that she'd have more time to make out with Aragorn. So, she started making introductions.

"Okay! I'm Endril Lei, otherwise known as Aurin McMerlin, the White Dragon of Sussex. But you guys can call me Endril."

"And I'm August!" August piped in. "Otherwise known as Auggie, Augs, Auggiechan, A-chan, Divinity, Divie, Divs, that one crazy chick, hey, you!, whatever. But my given name is Francesca Achenaria Calidor, or Faith DuMonte, depending on who you ask. And, seeing as how we're in a realm of visual magick, I guess my official title here would be August the Blue." She gestured to her deep blue robes. "Ha, take that nickname man!"

"Aw, don't pick on Aragorn! He'd sad!" Endril hugged him. Aragorn had enough willpower not to push her off and run screaming away. 

"How can you be called August the Blue, when only three great wizards remain in the world?" He asked, with cold, plot-hole slaughtering logic. "And those other two unnamed blue Istari were guys. Wizards are male."

"Well, fine, call me a mage or whatever. But I am a Pagan, and in this realm I correspond to the element of Water. That is why I am the Blue."

"That still doesn't make sense."

"Whatever. And the speechless hobbit chick is Mufasa." Fasa waved. 

"Doubtless you already know our names." Aragorn said with distaste. "We're been besieged by an army of 'fan-girls', as you call yourselves, for nearly a month."

There was anger at his remarks among the girls.

"Hey, I'm an Otaku!" Mufasa pointed out.

"And how can you be besieged in the middle of a field?" Endril asked.

"I say we kill them now." Gimli grunted. "The longer we stay near them, the worse off we'll be."

"I agree with Gimli." Legolas added. "The mission has already been delayed too long. These girls have a look of evil about them."

"We do not, ya treehugger!" August yelled. She then pondered this a moment. "Okay, so we do, but you could at least stop talking about us like we're not here."

"I wish you weren't here." Said Legolas sullenly. 

"Now, that's just mean." Mufasa snapped. "There's no reason to be so testy. Besides, we are here, and will remain here, so deal with it."

"I can remedy that." He replied, reaching for an arrow. Aragorn stopped him, relying on his 'aura of divine nobility' trick to shut them all up. 

"I do not hold with the practice of killing innocent maidens, my friend."

Gimli glowered at him.

"They are hardly innocent, Aragorn. I fear they have come to destroy us."

"Even now they turn us against each other." said Legolas. "It would be for the common good to destroy them."

"The hell it would!" August yelled. "Pretty or not, you try to start something, Im'a beat your ass so bad you'll run cryin back to Mirkwood, bitch."

            They stood silent in shock at this outburst, though Gimli narrowed his eyes, and Legolas trembled with repressed fury.

"Now, August, that's no way to talk to the pretty Elf guy," Mufasa said calmly. "Don't you want to apologize?"

"No, Fasa, he wants to kill me. This isn't an apology situation."

"Cool." Endril said with an evil grin. "More for me."

But at this, Legolas backed away, a manic twitch taking over his eye. 

"No…nooo…" he muttered, crouching near the ground. August looked at him in concern. 

"You okay, Lego-kun?" there was no response. "Um, I apologize, if that helps."

"They're coming." He said miserably. "I can feel them…I can feel them in my mind!" While the girls were in shock brought on by the sight of an Elf in hysterics, Aragorn began looking around nervously. Gimli growled.

"Uh, question? A-man?" Mufasa asked. The ranger shushed her.

"They're coming."

"Yes, we've assessed that." Said Endril.

"No, you do not understand."

"The f-f-fangirls!" Legolas shrieked. "They won't leave me alone!" The air became increasingly oppressive, like before a summer storm. August began to look panicked.

"We have no defense against them." Aragorn said glumly.

"Shit."

"So, I'm going to go scout." He replied, and walked over the hill, sword at the ready.

"What…the hell…was that?" Endril asked, once he'd left.

"What, Aragorn?" Gimli replied. "He always does that. Whenever there's a threat of impending attack, he goes to scout the area for signs of danger."

"Umm, that sounds stupid." Mufasa said quietly.

"REALLY stupid!" August yelled. "There's an army of fangirls going to attack us, and The dude with the most 1337 fighting skillz has just left to go 'scout'?!! Where's the sense in that?"

"Nobody insults Aragorn in front of a Dwarf!" Gimli yelled.

"Yeah, Auggie, quit dissing Aragorn. I'm sure he has a perfectly valid reason for leaving us here to die." Endril said calmly.

Before they could berate August any more, a low buzz filled the air, followed quickly by a shockwave that knocked them off their feet.

"What the.." Gimli began.

"shockwave from a spell." August stated as she stood up. "A really big one."

"It's them." Legolas whispered, pale with terror.

"So, they've resorted to more insidious means, then." Endril muttered. "But what kind of spell?"

"Damned if I know." August replied. "I'm still trying to figure out what kind of powers I have."

Oh, come on, it's obvious." Mufasa interrupted in a 'Hermione' tone of voice. "What's the traditional fallback of teenage girls when they can't attain their desired character directly, of through Mary-sues?"

"Ummm…" Endril said. "There's a brown cloud approaching across the plains. Fast."

"Better not be NO2." Mufasa grumbled. "Now does anyone know the answer to my question?" 

August's eyes widened in fear.

"Oh, shit."

"What?!" Gimli asked in frustration.

"We are all in very grave peril." August replied.

"Damn right." Mufasa added"

"Peril from what?" yelled Legolas.

"Slash." August said, sighing.

At that moment, Legolas had what could only be described as a psychotic episode.

"No!" He yelled, grabbing Endril by the collar. "You can't let this happen! You cannot let this happen to me!"

"Umm…" was Endril's reply.

"No, you don't understand! They'll _all_ be after me now! They all want me, I know it! You have to stop this! I don't want to be in love with anyone! Why did I have to be the pretty one?!!" 

He wailed in despair, then began babbling in a fit of gibberish.

Endril, for her part, tried in vain to get Legolas to come to his senses, but to no avail. She even resorted to slapping him across the face, earning her a steely glare from August. But nothing worked. Finally, she pulled him closer and kissed him, hard, on the mouth. Legolas froze at first, but then responded with desperation, as if Endril was the only stable anchor in a world that was quickly crumbling apart. The kiss was, in August's warped and very angry mind, the living embodiment of a Dali painting, and it both disturbed her and pissed her off. Endril didn't think so, as she was enjoying herself thoroughly. 

Eventually, Mufasa cleared he throat loudly, and the moment was over. August looked angry enough to hunt down and murder all of the Nazgul in single combat. 

"If you would stop going at it for a bit," she growled. "There's a very dangerous spell about to hit us, and I have work to do."

"Uhm…" said Legolas, breathless.

"Whoakay." Endril added.

"Now." August said with dictator-like harshness. "First off, you have to trust me, you sorry bitches."

"Okay." Mufasa said. The others nodded their assent. 

"Good." August began to walk (deosil) in a circle around them, a faint stream of light flowing out of her right hand and then disappearing as she moved.

"I don't get it." Gimli said, confused.

"Shut up." August said as she started to chant.

_"I forge a circle in the dust_

_In perfect love and perfect trust_

To shield all who shelter here 

_From all dangers, harm and fear_

_Thrice I trace the circle round_

_A boundary drawn upon the ground _

_Mindful of the law of three_

_With harm to none, so mote it be!"_

August stood in the north end of the area, and crouched low to the ground.  She quickly smote her hand once upon the earth. As she did this, a bright circle of whit energy flared up around them, forming into a dome above their heads. 

"As above, so below!" she shouted. August then turned to her astounded companions. "The circle is sealed." She said calmly.

"I hope this works." Mufasa said.

"Well, we won't have long to wait and find out." Endril muttered as the brown cloud engulfed them. But the circle held firm, and the air within remained clear.

"I  don't like boys, I don't like boys, I don't like boys…." Legolas muttered as a mantra. 

Gimli put a hand on his arm in concern.

"Are you okay, Legolas?"

"Get away from me!" The Elf shrieked, drawing his sword and backing away.

"Aw, it's not use, he's still all crazy." Endril sighed. 

August rummaged through her pack, and tossed a plastic bottle full of blue-green syrup and a few thin paper tubes to the hobbit.

"Fasa, mix Lego something to calm him down. And go easy on the powder." August ordered. Mufasa did this, though she and Endril were in shock.

"I cannot believe you're doing this." The female Elf told her. "You're _drugging_ the poor guy!"

"Hey, it'll work." August replied. She took the finished bottle from Mufasa and shook it vigorously. After a few soothing words, (years of babysitting finally yielded useful knowledge!) she got the disturbed Elf prince ot put away his weapon and sit down upon the grass. The brown cloud flowed around the outer walls of the circle.

"I want you to drink this." August said as she sat down next to him. 

"What is it?" he asked warily.

"NyQuil and Pixy Stix." She announced, putting the bottle to his lips and holding his head with her other hand. "Now drink."

Legolas reluctantly took a sip, and then proceeded to down the entire bottle.

"Is he going to be okay?" Gimli asked. The Elf was now slumped against August's shoulder and hiccupping slightly.

"Sure, he'll be fine." The mage replied as she ran her fingers through his pale, silky hair. "Won't you, Lego?"

Legolas looked up at her. His pupils were slightly dilated.

"You're pretty." He said, smiling blearily. 

"Atta boy." Said August, and she kissed him lightly. "Mmm, minty."

"You devious bitch." Said Mufasa, pointing a finger at her. "You put him under a love spell.

"I did not." August responded, indignant. "Love spells are immoral. This is just to dope him up for a while so he doesn't hurt anyone. Being complacent and easily manipulate is just a pleasant side effect. Here, you can take care fo him for a bit if you want."

"Okay!" Mufasa cheered gladly, running over to the drugged Elf.

"Aragorn would not approve of this." Gimli said.

"Hey, where is he, anyway?" Endril asked. August dropped the empty bottle of NyQuil. 

"Shit, I knew I forgot something!"

"He's out there, somewhere! What if he got captured, or caught by the spell?" Endril was worried.

Suddenly, the cloud thinned a bit, and a familiar face appeared in the gloom. 

"GAH!" August shrieked. They all jumped back. Legolas looked up, confused.

"Well, speak of the devil." Mufasa mused.

Aragorn looked almost, but not quite, entirely unlike himself. There was a blank fog in his eyes, which was slowly replaced by a terrible sadness and longing, which made him seem positively wretched. Well, more than usual. 

"Legolas?" he whispered in a voice that was heartrending to hear.

"Hm?" the Elf asked. "Oh, Hi Aragorn." He smiled in a 'happy little mental patient' sort of way.

"Legolas, I…I have to tell you something…" said Aragorn. His voice was tight with emotion, and there was a strange light inhis eyes. 

"Awww…" Endril remarked. "He's so sad…"

"This is so beautiful!" exclaimed August, weeping. But a shadow of doubt passed over Legolas' face and he took a step back from the edge of the circle.

"No, please don't leave me, Legolas." Aragorn said desperately. "I…I can't bear to live without you. I need you!" at this, he reached out his hand to touch Legolas' face, but met instead with the glowing wall of the circle.

            There was a bright flash of light, followed by what seemed like the sound of a very large bug zapper, and Aragorn was thrown back several feet. He lay prone, and a thin trail of blood seeped from his lips.

"I'm scared." Legolas mumbled, hugging August tightly. But then a harsh wind quickly swept away the cloud and a high wail filled the air.

"I think we made them mad." said Gimli.

The two Elves, however, had other things on their minds. (not like you think, folks.)

"You killed ARAGORN!!" they screamed, lunging for August.

"Ai! I didn't…kill…him!" August gasped, while Endril slowly throttled her. "He's just…unconscious…for…a while…let go!" August weakly attempted to punch Endril, while at the same time batting away the arrow which Legolas was aiming at her head.

Endril frowned and dropped her.

"You still didn't have to hurt him." She grumbled. 

"Hey, I didn't want the plot turning slashy, End." She tried to explain. "I had to make a command decision!"

"Where the hell is the fourth wall?!" Legolas wailed. Everyone turned to look at him in shock. "I want my mommy." Rolling her eyes at the pouting Elf prince, Endril began yelling at August.

"Command Decision?! Who elected you leader of this outfit?"

"Well, Endy, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract though, but if that aint the consensus view then Hell, let's put it to a vote."

At this point Mufasa began pounding her little hobbit head against the wall of the circle, either in frustration of not being able of get to Aragorn, or in disgust at the blatant (and poorly-acted) tribute to O Brother, Where Art Thou?

"Can we please get back on track, people?" Gimli asked, growling. "The fangirl army approaches." The Dwarf then did a double take so classic it could have come straight from Looney Tunes. "Hey! I'm out of character! Nobody makes a Dwarf act out of character!!" 

"I want my mommy!"

August surveyed the motley group.

"I think we should make a truce, Endril." She began. "Because we are so doomed."

Suddenly, a great horde of rabid fangirls descended upon them, and August knew no more.

Author's Note: Ooh, classic Tolkien-style ending, no less! Apologies to everyone I may have pissed off in the process of this chapter. It's mainly self-mockery, mind you. And you might want to read the original "When Fangirls Attack!" for reference, or if you like Moulin Rouge. Aragorn will be just fine, Mufasa will have a nervous breakdown, August will use gratuitous Japanese nicknames, and Legolas might even sing. *gasp!*  Stay tuned, and please review. 


	2. Endearing braids, amnesia, and Mirkwood ...

WFA! LOTR-style

Yes, there's more. Run in terror. Now. But read the story first.

Disclaimer: as usual, they don't belong to me. The recipe and idea for Mirkwood special variety lembas does. I wonder if those things are Kosher…. um, a funny line is again taken from O brother, which is also not mine. Edward Norton is copyright his spiffy self, and I don't own Fight Club. I did participate in a chapter, once. Ah, that was a story for the ages. Anywho. 'Charlotte' is my deranged tribute to Ranma. You know what I'm talking about.

Summary: um, August isn't dead. There is blood. And divine intervention. And drug use. And the use of the word 'spiffy'

August awoke, not in a posh house of healing or on the back of a giant eagle, being carried to safety, as she had expected, but lying on the cold, hard ground. And she was in severe pain. 

"My…head…." She moaned, before attempting to sit up. This was a bad idea. 

"That's a bad idea." Legolas said calmly.

"uggh….shut up, Lego-kun."

"What did you call me?"

"Never mind. ….Where the hell are we?"

"Same place as before." Mufasa piped in, with her usual hobbit cheerfulness. "Only it's dark."

"Everything is dark to me, Fasa. Now shut up and get me some ice." August once again attempted to sit up, but was hindered by a fresh wave of pain and that oogy vertigo feeling. To stop herself from falling, she got a death grip on whatever the nearest stable object was. It happened to be Legolas' shoulder.

"Owww…." The Elf whined. "Your nails hurt. You're gonna ruin my spiffy elf outfit!" at this, Endril walked over.

"You okay, August?" she asked. "You missed the whole battle..thing."

"What happened to me?" August began checking her head for injury, and found blood in her hair. "GAH! There's BLOOD in my hair! BLOOD!" this outburst only made the pain worse. "what happened to me? Explain. And talk quietly."

"Um, you got hit in the head with a frying pan, actually." Mufasa pointed out. "We think you might have a concussion."

"Oh, really? Well, maybe THAT explains this horrible nausea I'm feeling." 

Legolas frowned.

"You know, you should really just stay still and keep quiet. I realize you're hurt, but there are others injured as well."

August looked around a bit. Aragorn was now inside the circle, still out cold. Gimli was trying to wake him up, to no avail. It was difficult to tell whether the Dwarf was hurt or not, seeing as how he always generally looked scruffy. Endril and Mufasa had obviously been fighting the most, as they both looked a bit like Edward Norton, at the end of Fight Club. It was that bad.  Legolas, for his part, looked as if he'd just arrived from his trailer, after having a nice latte, braiding his wig, and hitting on the makeup ladies. 

(VALAR) **Stop this skewing of reality, girl child. You confuse movieverse with the real world.** (/VALAR)

There was an ominous crash of thunder. No one said anything for a moment.

"Anyway." Mufasa continued. "Just before the horde reached us, I took your wizard-stick thing and-"

"Wait. What are you talking about?" August asked. "I don't have a staff. Staffs are for losers."

"This." The hobbit explained, gesturing to a length of a small juniper branch, bound with ribbon and topped with a quartz crystal. This is a wand. (Clearly, a wand)

"My wand. You stole my wand." August seemed very calm about all this. 

"Well, I used it to cut a sort of doorway in the circle, and drag Aragorn through."

"You realize once I get over this head trauma, I'm going to kick your ass, right? You jacked my wand, Fasa. You will pay. And did you close the circle?"

"Well, that's where the frying pan came from." said Legolas.

"But I closed the circle-after you were hit, Auggie- with my unexplained magical elf powers. But we had to kill a few rabid fangirls in the process." Endril continued. "Which is why me and Fasa look like we've had the crap beat out of us."

"Well, at least you weren't bitten." Gimli interrupted. "The rabies would have killed you."

"Can we get back to the story?" August asked impatiently. There was another rumble of thunder. "The story about how the army was defeated."

"Well, I wouldn't really say defeated. More like driven away for the moment." Endril said. See, Lego pulled this awesome 'aura of divine nobility' trick, and most of the fangirls ran away in sheer terror. The rest charged at the circle and got vaporized, apparently."

"Wow, Lego-sama, I never really thought of you as the scary type."

"Well, he has a lot of rage, you know," said Mufasa. "I mean, _he's_ royalty too, and he **never** gets acknowledged for it."

"Yeah!" Legolas pouted. "And stop calling me weird names!"

"Gomen, Lego-sama." 

"Stop it!"

"Geez, _someone's_ tetchy." Endril muttered. "We all need to cheer up."

"But how?" Gimli asked. "And we still need to get Aragorn to wake up."

August sensed that they were all caught up in an insidious (but not evil) plot device.

"BLOCK PARTY!" Endril shouted with glee. The glee soon passed, however, as the outburst caused her to cough up more blood. August clutched her head in pain.

"We need medical attention before we can think about parties, End." August mumbled as she bandaged her head with a strip of her cloak. Legolas was rummaging through his quiver, which apparently had a magical elf-quality of unlimited storage space. 

"I've got some _lembas_, if that helps."

A half hour later, the girls were on their way to recovery, thanks to the magical elf-properties of _lembas_. They were also on their way to being very, very stoned, thanks to whatever drugs Legolas had put in the _lembas_.

"Thanksh fer da cookies, Lego-shama…." August slurred. She then giggled for reasons unknown.

Legolas was torn between looking annoyed, and very, very amused. 

"Duude…." Endril began. "What'd you put in these? These are some mad, mad, cookies, my man."

"Um. Mirkwood special variety. It's a secret."

"Okay!" said Endril, smiling. "Secret. Shhhh…" she then fell over. "I fell off the ground!"

Mufasa, having a normal hobbit appetite, was poking Aragorn with a stick. 

"Wake up, Charlotte!" she whispered.  "You gotta try these cookies. Charlotte! Cookies, they are fun! Yesh."

"You." Said August, pointing at Legolas. The effort it took to point, however, was too much for her. She fell over. Legolas reluctantly caught her. 

"What?" he asked, rather annoyed.

"I want more cookies, Lego-kun. You're pretty. Give me cookies."

"Stop calling me that."

"Never! –hic- Lego-kun! Cooookie crisp!"

At this point, it should be mentioned that Legolas had planned to use the drugged _lembas_ as a means of revenge for the NyQuil incident. He now realized that this plan had gone horribly wrong.

August was tugging on his endearing braids, which Haldir had blatantly tried to copy (that loser) and failed miserably. 

"Ow."

"Cheeese." August grinned. "Cheese." Another tug.

"Stop it."

"Cheese."

This enlightened conversation could have gone on indefinitely, were it not for Mufasa, who ran into a tree.

"Is that youuu, Charlotte?" she deranged hobbit asked. "Are you awake? Try the cookies."

The tree, being not of the Ent variety, did not respond. 

Legolas sighed, sighing being something that he does quite often, for he is an Elf in the midst of maniacs. August tugged on his braids.

And out of nowhere, Aragorn's subconscious chose that moment to kick him and tell him to get the hell up and go to work.

"Wha…?" said the Ranger/heir of Isildur

"Isiiilduuuur!" Endril said in a funny voice. August giggled.

"Mah hair!" Aragorn announced.

"He's alive!!!" Mufasa shouted, here eyes sparkling in crazed glee. "You've come back to me, Charlotte!"

"Who is Charlotte?" Aragorn asked. "Who am I?"

There was silence. Crickets chirped. And then there was more silence.

"I don't know my name!" he yelled in desperation.

"Um….Aragorn?" August offered.

"Well, he's also known as Strider," said Endril.

"Elessar, Lord of Gondor!" Gimli piped in

"Well, not yet, but you will be." Mufasa said.

"You were named Estel by Lord Elrond." Legolas pointed out.

"That means 'hope'." said August. 

"Wingfoot!"

"Elfstone!"

"Dunadan!"

"Charlotte!"

"Shut up, Mufasa." 

Aragorn shook his head and sighed.

"But you ARE Charlotte!" Mufasa screamed. "You are!!"

"Ferreal tho, dude. Your name is Aragorn. Son of Arathorn." said August as she led Mufasa away to go sit in a corner. 

"I can't help but get the feeling I'm in love with someone." Aragorn mused, once they'd convinced him of his name. "Am I in love with _you_?"

This question was directed as Legolas. There were more crickets chirping.

"Nooo." The Elf said patiently. "I am your **best** **friend**. My name is Legolas."

"I thought you were _my_ best friend!" Gimli cried.

"Now, now." said August. "Lego-kun can't be best friends with everyone, now can he?" She put an arm around the Elf's shoulder. "I'm his girl." she explained to Aragorn.

"You are NOT!" Legolas yelled.

"You're just in denial, Lego-kun."

"And STOP calling me that!"

"You two fight like a married couple." Aragorn pointed out.

"WHYYY???!" the stressed out Elf prince screamed. "Why ME?"

"Oh, you rock, A-man. You _ROCK_." August gave him a high five. 

Legolas was, being under a lot of stress, downing _lembas_ like there was no tomorrow. 

A note: The audience may rest assured that the Elf in question will remain in perfect health, and the cookies will not go straight to his hips. The Elf in question has asked us to point this out, being concerned about public opinion.

"And a vain bastard!" August yelled, interrupting the note. 

A note, continued: The audience may also rest assured that the author in question has now had some sense beaten into her and will refrain from further interrupting this interruption of the plot. We now return to the story proper. Thank you. (The Management)

"Wow, the Valar do really great public service announcements." Endril pointed out. 

"So, who _am_ I in love with?" asked Aragorn, who was not used to have the attention focused away from him for such a long time. At August's direction, Endril and Mufasa quickly held a round of 'rock, paper, scissors'.

"Ha, in your face, hobbit!" the girl Elf screamed. "Rock smashes Scissors!!!!"

"Best two out of three?" said Mufasa weakly, and then she went off to cry, and join Legolas in drowning her sorrows with _lembas_.

"I was so worried about you, my love!" said Endril in a really girly falsetto voice as she embraced Aragorn. Gimli snickered. August was in convulsions of silent laughter, and Legolas choked on a piece of _lembas_. 

"…What's your name?" asked Aragorn. The laughter and choking became worse. Gimli hit Legolas in the stomach with the flat side of his axe, and the Elf coughed up the bit of food.

"My…ribs…" He gasped. "Pain!"

"Oh, I'll nurse you back to health, darling!" cried August, who rushed over and hugged him. Legolas was too tired to do anything at this point, so he stood there and cried.

Aragorn and Endril were getting…re-acquainted. 

"Endril, stop snoggin yer damn boyfriend." August yelled. "We have a block party to plan."

"But there's no block!" said Legolas. August ignored him.

"We'll have to find a babysitter for the kids." Endril replied. 

"Wait, we don't have any kids." Said Aragorn. "At least, I don't think I have any kids. Do we have kids, honey?"

"Uh, no, Aragorn. My dad told you that you couldn't….um….fornicate….with anyone until you're the lord of two kingdoms."

"Damn. That overbearing bastard! Nothing I do is good enough for him!"

"Hey, that's my dad you're talking about! And he'll unleash Matrix-style Kung-Fu beatdown on you if you piss him off!"

"End, you are aware that Hugo Weaving isn't _really_ your dad, right?" asked August. 

"I need a drink." Legolas declared. 

"Amen, brother." Said Aragorn.

And, as often happens when there is a lull in the action, (because it _is_ all about the action, you know.) someone went crazy. A quick look at the Crazy Chart would have revealed that is was Mufasa's turn.

"Why don't _I_ have a boyfriend?!" the hobbit girl screamed. "Even one that ignores me, or is sad all the time! I need love, too!!! Why?!!" Mufasa was shaking slightly.

"What about me?" Gimli asked in a small voice.

"Dwarves just aren't attractive!" Fasa yelled. "It's not FAIR!!!"

"C'mon, say it!" August hissed to Legolas.

"No!"

"C'mon! Do it!"

"Fine." Legolas sighed. "Ahem. You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is." Even though this was said in a monotone, Endril and August still dissolved into a fit of laughter.

Mufasa frowned at them.

"It's not funny, guys."

The laughter continued. Everyone else began laughing as well. 

"I feel live Velma from Scooby-Doo." Mufasa muttered. Her muttering was cut off when a spooky disembodied voice filtered through the air.

"I can't _wait_ for that movie!" the voice said enthusiastically, and then vanished.

"Hey, um, can we get back to me?" Legolas asked. "Because I'm pretty."

"Well I'm the romantic lead!" Aragorn yelled.

"I need a boyfriend!!" Mufasa whined.

"Shut yer damn mouth." said August as she snapped her fingers. Gimli vanished in a puff of smoke.

--BZORK!--

In his place, there now stood a young, rather thin-faced hobbit, who didn't seem to know where he was.

"Well, yes, Treebeard, those Ent-draughts were bloody good, but what about _second_ breakfast?" asked Pippin.

********************************

Author's note: sorry, Gimli fans. Or Legolas/Gimli fans. Also, apologies to those expecting Lego to sing. That's in the next chapter, which will be written by Endril and myself. I will mail a case of Mirkwood special variety lembas to whoever can coherently explain why Pippin was talking about second breakfast, when I explicitly stated at the beginning it was nighttime. 

A big thanks to everyone who reviewed, especially torturedwriter (I loved your LOTR story!) and Amy Fortuna, who inspired the bit with the eagles. Bye!


	3. The Block Party Of DOOM

WFA! LOTR-style

Chapter 3: the Block Party of DOOM.

Disclaimer: things I don't own: Any LOTR characters, Endril, Mufasa, Satchmo Da Kung Fu Spider, Butterbur's ale (or any other alcoholic beverage mentioned herein), Raymond the Gnome, Hez (or his website, or his sword which he did get through mail order, damn him) Lizzie : Warrior Hobbit, any and all Movies, Books, Games, Celebrities, Songs I may reference, etc. I own August. That's pretty much it.

Summary: Special guest stars and nervous breakdowns galore in this, the third installation of WFA! LOTR-style. Big giant party chapter, which you've all been waiting for, I know. Legolas gets plastered and sings, Aragorn gets plastered, sings, and then reflects on his life bitterly. Rated pg-15 for language, massive alcohol consumption, horribly butchered songs, people acting retarded, mention of Merry/Pippin slash, and general shounen ai innuendo. And I make fun of Luke Skywalker. Enjoy.

AN: thanks once again to everyone who reviewed. I finally got time to write ch. 3! This was a joint effort between me and Endril, actually. Many thanks to her.  Five points to whoever can tell me what it is Aragorn gets drunk off of, and where the heck it came from. This chapter is dedicated to my good friend Hez, who went through a bit of a rough spot in his life recently. Cheer up, you vicious bastard. I hope it all works out okay. 

**********************

Aragorn had no idea who the newcomer was, but somewhere deep in his mind was the urge to feel both relieved, and very annoyed. The girls obviously felt differently.

"PIPPIN!" they yelled, running over to hug the hobbit.

"Um, who are ye ladies?" asked the very confused Pippin as he was nearly smothered.

"I love you." Said Mufasa happily, tousling Pippin's auburn, curly hair and giving him a hug. She was just glad to have found someone her size; granted, however, even he was taller. Pippin, very frightened and confused, backed away, seeking refuge behind Legolas. Aragorn poked him with a stick happily.

            "How…how did you get here?" Asked Legolas. "And where were you?"

"Oh, we were in Fangorn, hangin out wi….Fangorn. Where's Merry?" Pippin looked slightly concerned.

            "I snapped you in here, and you switched places with Gimli." August explained. "I've decided I can transplant matter." Endril was excited. 

            "That could help with the party!" she said enthusiastically. 

"Party?" asked pippin, a crazed gleam in his eye.

"Yep! A block party! You know, barbecues and karaoke and mosquitoes!" said Endril happily, pulling on Aragorn's cloak to stand him up. 

"But…there's no block!" said Legolas, forever the voice of reason while Aragorn was…off duty. 

"So? There's no Kids either! Or neighbors! But that's not the point!" 

Aragorn was still hesitant.

"There'll be beer." August said coyly.

"Beer?" Aragorn said, perking up immediately.

            "Yes. Much spiffy beer. We'll try and get some Guinness, if we can."

            "Guinness cures cancer!" said a tiny voice from the vicinity of Aragon's shoulder. There stood a little Scandinavian person with glasses, a 70's style women's jacket, and a pointed hat. It gave a shrill laugh and promptly disappeared in a flash of light. 

            "Whit dae ye suppose _tha_ was?" asked Pippin.

            "A…Gnome." Said Mufasa. Everyone was very confused. "A gnome with wave powers."

            "Was that a celebrity guest star?" August asked. 

            "No." said another mysterious voice. "But this is." A tall, extremely skinny young man with a cancer-patient haircut stepped out of the shadows.

            "H-Hez?" Endril asked tentatively. Hez grinned.

            "So, how's my fanclub?" the Limey asked.

He grinned broadly as the entire group stared at him silently. Most looked confused, but Legolas frowned. Endril noticed how pretty he was when he frowned. 

            "Snap out if it!" Hez said happily, staring at his clothes. "Hey, where are my Sith robes?" finally Auggie and Endril broke their shock and ran to their only British friend (unless you count old guys) with cries of glee. Mufasa sulked and went back to bothering Pippin. Seeing as how Aragorn was once again leaning against a tree and looking sad (because there wasn't any beer), no one was paying attention to Legolas.

            "Intruder…stealing…popularity…" the Elf muttered as his eye began twitching. "Must have…attention….must….kill…intruder…" Legolas pulled out a dagger with which to quickly dispatch Hez, but the shiny blade distracted him. "Shiiny…"

            "Ee needs some liquor in him, fast." Pippin remarked. August snapped in a round of Butterbur's finest in place of a clump of grass. 

            "But…I don't drink…" Hez protested. "Really! It says so on my website!"

            "What's a website?" Pippin asked. 

            "Shh," Mufasa said comfortingly. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it."

            "No! I'm the pretty one!" Legolas yelled suddenly, his attention momentarily drawn away from the way the sunlight bounced off the metal on his dagger. "You're supposed to love ME!! I'm beautiful! Pay attention to me!"

            "Umm, what's his deal?" said Hez. "Why would anyone go for him when I'm around?" he flashed a smile again. Legolas let out a scream of agony.

            "MEEEEEeeee!" he yelled as he ran at Hez.

August expected Hez to dodge the attack. At the very least, Legolas should have run into some large stationary object for comic effect. But instead, Hez drew a Whacking Great Sword™ from the scabbard at his waist and took a defensive stance.

            "Hey." said Aragorn suspiciously, looking at the sword. "Isn't that Glamdring?" 

            "Uhmm…It was mail order…" Hez nervously replied. 

            "Anyway, let's get the party started!" said Endril. A rabid fangirl spy snuck up behind her. August snapped again, and the fangirl was quickly replaced by a buffet table full of food and beverage. A rock became a very expensive sound system in much the same manner.

            "Doesn't that need a power source?" Hez asked.  Legolas was once again looking at the shiny dagger. 

            "Damn." August muttered. She replaced the sound system with another one, this time with a solar cell.

"God bless the photoelectric effect." Said Mufasa contentedly as Beatles music started playing.

            "Shouldn't you say 'bibbity bobbity boo', or something?" Hez asked August.

            "Don't  push me, Limey." Said August as she downed a Mai Tai. "Have a drink."

            "I told you I don't-"

            "Well, you've never exactly been to Middle-Earth before, either."

            "True…" Hez promptly joined Pippin in getting tanked on pints of ale.

            "This party is…missing something." Endril remarked. Her thoughts  were cut off as Legolas uttered a bloodcurdling scream. There was the obligatory noise of a record being suddenly stopped, even though all Fasa did was pause the cd player. Legolas had dropped his shiny dagger, and was now staring at his arm in horror. Utter horror. On it was a large black spider (not as large as giant Elf-eating spiders. More like a big tarantula.) with a red marking in the shape of an inverted cross on its abdomen. The spider was clicking at Legolas, evidently trying to say something to him.

            "GET IT OFF!!!" he screeched madly.

            "Oh, that's where Satchmo went." Said Mufasa calmly. "Satch, what are you doing to Legolas?" the spider turned its many eyes toward the female hobbit and clicked at her. It seemed rather annoyed.

            "Well, yes, I _know_ he's good-looking, but I think you gave him a bit of a shock."

            "You know this thing?" Legolas yelled. 

            "Yeah, man." Said August. "Satch hangs out in Fasa's pack." The Elf prince looked like he was going to faint. He didn't.

            "So this is Satchmo." Said Hez. The spider jumped over and landed on his hand. "Nice to finally meet you." Satchmo the spider clicked affectionately.

            "Errr…Sorry, Satchmo, me mate, I'm not a huge fan of spiders," Hez said, but he patted the spider anyway. Legolas shivered, and Endril stroked his hair. 

            "I'll protect you." She said with a grin. Legolas edged away, but he had to choose between spiders and fawning girls, and despite himself he allowed Endril to pat his head. At a signal from August, Endril tackled Legolas and held him down while the mage started pouring moonshine down his throat. 

            "This is for your own good, you know." Said August. She felt rather bad about forcing the Elf to drink, but if he didn't get plastered (and fast) Hez might be in mortal peril. Legolas might have a short attention span, but sooner or later he would remember why he was angry with the Brit.

            "Hey, you don't think I could take him?!" Hez said with a pout. He was still holding his sword by his side and looking wistfully at the very drunk Legolas. (Not in that way, so keep those dirty, slashy thoughts to yourself.) Legolas was staring, starry-eyed, and having trouble focusing at something the others could not see. Pippin cleared his throat nervously as Mufasa grabbed him by the hand. 

            "Let's dance!" she said gleefully. Endril, bored with the very wasted Legolas, noticed Aragorn still being sad under a tree. Casually she handed him a glass full of some suspicious green-tinted drink. Aragorn looked at the glass in, well, suspicion. 

            "What is this?" he asked, fixing Endril with a steely Ranger glare. Endril smiled happily. 

            "Oh, I would never do anything to hurt you, Dearest! Fear not!" she smiled again. Aragorn cautiously took a sip, then quickly spit it out with distaste.

            "…BITTER!" he gasped.

            "Criminy, End," said August, who was trying to get Legolas to sit up. "Didn't you pour it over sugar first?"

            "Damn, I forgot." Endril quickly did this, and handed the glass back to Aragorn. He drank the mysterious green concoction, and smiled.

            "That's better. Thank you, dear."

Legolas, meanwhile, had staggered over to the karaoke machine and was trying to pick out songs. And then Lizzie appeared out of thin air.

            "Fuck Christian, then!" Lizzie said loudly as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her to appear there for no good reason. For a second the party sat and stared at Lizzie. Lizzie grinned at her friends, and then fixed her short, reddish hair. Mufasa, unsurprisingly, was the first to break the silence.

            "Nooo! You can't have him! He's mine!" Mufasa screamed, launching herself at Pippin. Luckily, Legolas and Aragorn were still reeling from their drinks and didn't seem to notice what was going on. They lay on the ground giggling, pointing at something non-existent in the sky. August managed to stumble over them and catch Fasa before any possible damage was done to Pippin, and Endril attempted to hold Lizzie back. In amongst the obscenities she was shouting, the warrior hobbit managed to yell this at Mufasa:

            "Get your damn hands off him, Pip's with Merry!" 

Mufasa was less than pleased at this news.

            "It's not TRUUUE!!!" she wailed in a very Luke Skywalker way. "It's not possible! Why, Pip? Whyyy?" the poor hobbit was now in tears

            "Look, no 'ard feelins, luv," said Pippin as he tried to explain. "I didnae wan tae urt yer feelins or owt, but me an Mer, we're in loove." This might have been comforting to Mufasa if she could understand what Pippin had said. 

            "umm.." she said, rather hopelessly.

            "Oh, how's abou ye go shoppin wi me sometime?" asked Pippin.

            "Okay!" Fasa smiled. August dropped her rather unceremoniously and went to get another strawberry daiquiri before Lizzie drank them all. Endril and Hez were chatting quite contentedly at a table, and sipping fine red wine from Mirkwood.

            "Excuse me." Said a hoarse voice from the direction of the sound system. Legolas was holding onto the microphone to stay vertical, and somehow, there was a spotlight on him. The Elf took another swig of moonshine and cleared his throat.

            "Having figured out your shtrange alien voish machine,  I haff a verry speshul announshement to make. We shall have shongs! Aragorn, shing us some shongs, buddy!" Legolas gestured emphatically towards Aragorn, and the spotlight moved to show the Ranger, who seemed to be in a worse state of intoxication than the Elf. Disturbingly familiar music wafted through the air, and Aragorn slowly began to sing.

"_At first I was afraid, I was petrified_…"

Everyone winced in pain. It should be noted that Isildur's heir could sing, just very, very badly.

"_Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side_…" 

Here, Aragorn winked lewdly at Legolas, who rolled his eyes in disgust, took another swig, and collapsed onto August. And still the singing did not stop.

" _Then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong, And I grew strong…And I learned how to get along_…." 

The music picked up pace, but Aragorn only sang louder.                      

"_And so you're back, from outer space, I just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face.  I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me… Go on now go, walk out the door… just turn around now, 'Coz you're not welcome anymore… Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no not I, I will survive… For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.  I've got all my life to live, and I've got all my love to give I'll survive I will survive…. Hey hey_…"

By this time Legolas had given in to the drunkenness that ran like a crazed alien robot dog through his veins, and had joined the song, doing little back-up 'ooooo's, and harmonizing as best he could with his tone-deaf friend. Luckily, as an Elf, Legolas could sing quite well; because of this the audience's ears were not bleeding from Aragon's singing. Barely. They tried to drown each other out as the song ran on. By now Auggie, Hez, Lizzie, Endril, Mufasa, and Pippin were dancing wildly, not noticing when Aragorn and Legolas crashed into each other, though they continued to sing from the ground. 

Legolas at once made a lunge for the microphone, beating Aragorn off. Aragorn pouted. 

"My turn!" Legolas yelled happily. There was applause from the majority of the audience, and catcalls from August. The Elf continued. "This song is dedicated to all you wonderful ladies who've made my life a living hell. I love you all."

"Wanker." Hez muttered.

_"Yesterday…all my troubles seemed so far away…Now it looks as though they're here to stay, oh I believe in yesterday….Suddenly…I'm not half the man I used to be…There's a shadow hanging over me, Oh yesterday came suddenly… why she-_**Gah!!!"**__

Aragorn had unceremoniously shoved him aside.

"That…was uncalled for." The Elf grumbled. Hez was snickering madly. "Shut UP!!"

"Heehee…make me."

And Mortal Kombat music started playing.

"Let's get rready to rruumble!" Lizzie shouted. By now there was no sun to distract Legolas from his target. Unfortunately there was moonlight, which was worse. The moon's silvery light shone on Legolas' bow; his eyes widened.

"Pretty…shiney…sparkley." He said, stroking the bow as if it were a pet. "Bow…" Hez seemed to enjoy seeing his nemesis gone completely insane.            

"Is this gonna happen every time the start to fight?" Endril asked Auggie, though they were enjoying the way the moon shone on Legolas' hair and brought out the color of his eyes.

"Maybe we should take away their weapons," August said, glancing a little worriedly at the sword Hez wielded. "We don't want Lego-kun to get hurt too badly."

"Hey!" said Hez.

"Sorry Hezzie," Endril said. Mufasa stealthily appropriated Hez's sword, blaster, office chair, and scores of mock-up lightsabers.

Hey, break those and die." The Limey Sith said to the hobbit girl. "I have to make a living somehow, you know."

August and Endril, meanwhile, were attempting to take Legolas' bow from him. The operative word being attempt. 

            "Maybe if we created some sort of illusion of the bow, he would go for that." Endril pondered.

            "Stupid bow." August grumbled, rubbing her head. Legolas had repeatedly hit her with it. 

            "If you're so magical, why don't you use some Clow cards and shit?" Lizzie asked patronizingly. August's eyes lit up as she thought up another crossover reference. She held the pendant of her necklace in the palm of her hand.

            "Key that holds the power of darkness, reveal unto me your true form! By the covenant I, August, command you! Release!" 

Nothing happened.

"Oh, screw it." August said bitterly. She snapped, and Legolas' bow was replaced by a live Chocobo. 

            "I've…done it…." She said, breathlessly. "I've become a summoner…" the Chocobo leapt away from Legolas, who was very, very confused, and ran off into the distance.

            "Now Hez." Said Endril. "Try not to damage Legolas' face, okay?"

            "I've had just about enough of you and your damn girly elf boy, okay?" Hez said angrily. He was cut off as an enraged Legolas punched him in the stomach.

            "I am NOT girly."

Hez's fragile state of mind chose that moment to shatter into millions of tiny Hez brain pieces. With a cry like that of a dying toucan, he leapt at Legolas and began pummeling him mercilessly. Aragorn attempted to intervene but got hit in the face with a spray of blood. Legolas was halfheartedly trying to throttle his assailant.

            "This seems familiar…" said August as she watched in horror.

            "Oh, what's it from? Dammit, I know this…" Endril muttered. Lizzie snapped her fingers.

            "Narrator vs. Angel Face, Fight Club." She said matter-of factly. The others who had seen said film nodded in agreement, then turned their attention back to the slaughter.

            "Oh, this is just sick." Said Mufasa in disgust. "This needs to stop." Satchmo clicked in irritation.

"Sorry, Hez, but this is an intervention." Said Endril calmly as she pulled an air rifle out of thin air and shot Hez in the back. The fighting abruptly stopped. But only for a minute.

"OW! You shot me!" Hez roared.

"I'll KILL him!!" yelled Legolas as August and Pippin attempted to hold the Elf back. 

Lizzie, meanwhile, was trying to calm Hez down. And failing miserably.

            "Look, maybe you should just go back to your home dimension, Hez." She said. "I mean, I don't know you or anything, but you could get some rest, get away from us crazy American chicks, kill some Jedi maybe.."

            "Kill….." said Hez, deranged. "Must destroy Jedi. Have to remember the mission." 

            "There's a good boy."

            "I need a vacation." Hez sighed. "You birds are too psychotic for me." He then drew out a lightsaber hidden somewhere on his person, cut a hole in the fabric of space-time, and jumped through it before the Crossover police could be called. 

            "See you on AIM!" Endril and August chorused. Hez replied with something that sounded like the word 'yogurt', only horribly mispronounced. And then he was gone. 

            "Are you alright, Lego-kun?"

            "Nnnghh…No."

            "Why the hell did Hez do that, anyway?" Endril asked while looking for Band-aids

            "I guess he just has some issues to work out." Said August. "Pass the gauze."

            "Yes, but did he have to work them out on me? I think I lost a tooth!" the Elf was distraught. He let the girls work on him as Aragorn continued to lay on the ground, twitching slightly and completely wasted. Legolas stared imploringly at Endril and August as they lovingly plastered him with Star Wars band-aids.

            "Am I still beautiful?" he asked them, with a slight lisp so that Endril had to turn away to stop from laughing. August strangely keeping her composure answered promptly:

            "Beyond words. Am I?" Legolas stared at her strangely, especially as Endril managed to choke out another 'beyond words' to finish the quote.

            "Thank you, End." Said August, laughing. "But still. Do _you_ think I'm pretty, Elf Boy?"

            "Er…" it didn't take superior Elven reasoning to realize that Legolas was treading on dangerous ground. 

            "Well?"

            "Ah, uhm…well, by Elven standards, um…."

            "Okay, we're not grading on a curve here, man. Answer!"

While this potentially deadly conversation was taking place, Endril had noticed that Aragorn was sitting off away from the group, staring bitterly at the ground. 

            "What's wrong, dearest?" she asked him tentatively.

            "You LIED to me!!" Aragorn yelled.

            "Wha?"

            "You're not Arwen! You lied!" Endril was having one of those 'oh, shit' moments. Gathering herself together quickly, she bent down beside him.

            "Now, now, dear Aragorn. I was just trying to cheer you up! I mean, Arwen's not here, is she? She's never here. You only get to see her how often? And even then, only with Elrond standing over you. You said yourself that nothing you did was good enough for him!"

            "You still lied to me," Aragorn said, but he sounded a little less sure of himself. "Once," Aragorn said, glancing up at her briefly to see if she was listening, then averting his eyes, "Once Elrond locked me in a closet." Seeing no appropriate answer to this Endril tactfully remained silent. "I was trying to learn archery, and Elrond was overseeing my lesson. Glorfindel was my teacher, and he was always patient with me. After all, I am a human among Elves."

            "Did Glorfindel look like Jude Law?" Endril asked hopefully. Aragorn glared at her. "Okay, okay!" she cried, holding up her hands in surrender. "Please go on with your super-angsty story." She tried to look sincere, but was too busy with images of Jude Law invading her mind. 

            "Anyway, it was the first time I had ever held a bow, and it was too big for me. I didn't have Elven eyesight, and Elrond got fed up with me. Locked me in a closet, telling me I could only come out once I had eyes like an Elf. I was six years old."

"Tell me I'm pretty, motherfucker!! Tell me I'm pretty!!" Pippin was trying to prevent August from murdering the injured Elf.

            "Need…to heal…need…aethelas…."

            "Answer me, dammit!!"

            "And girls." Aragorn said with a sniff. "How Elrond reacted to girls." He turned to Endril. "And there are hella hot girls in Rivendell, trust me. But he wouldn't let me near one, much less talk to one. When I was sixteen, I snuck out of my room because I'd been shut up in there for a week. Elrond found me talking to a pretty girl by the name of Gwithiriel. We weren't doing anything! We had become friends, actually. But no! Elrond locked me in the closet."

Endril made a sympathetic noise and handed him another glass of the green drink. 

            "Here, Aragorn. You're gonna need this."

He downed the drink almost without a second thought, and swallowed bitterly.

            "Did anyone even ask me if I wanted to be king? No. It's all destiny and this damn pushing for success…and they never…never asked me…what I wanted. It's not FAIR!!" by this point, Aragorn was in tears.

            "Eat the damn chicken! It is good for you!" Meanwhile, Pippin and Lizzie were standing intently over a grill, and August was attempting to force-feed Legolas barbecue. 

            "The twins called me the cooler king," Aragorn said bitterly.

            "The cooler King?" Endril asked. "As in you were cool? Awesome? A hip cat?"

            "No, as in I was always locked up in the closet. I hated that closet! And I hated Elrond!" he shouted, taking another gulp of his beverage. It seemed to be making the situation worse. "King, fine, I could deal with that, even if I really didn't want to. But a king of TWO kingdoms? Was giving up my entire life to save the world good enough? Was never getting to go on a date? Never have a wife or kids? Face dangers untold and hardships unnumbered? Was living a life of danger and loneliness good enough for them? NO!! Why do you hate me, Elrond? Why? WHY?!"

            "Umm, you okay, Aragorn?" Endril asked, backing away slightly. The Ranger was now talking to the clouds. Or so it seemed.

            "I wish the goblins would come and take you away, you bastard!! You ruined my life, Elrond! You Ruined My LIFE!!!"

            There was silence. A long, awkward silence that sat around and whistled while the crickets chirped quietly. 

            "I never had a girlfriend, either…"

            "Would you just shut the hell up?!" Lizzie yelled. "We're sick of your goddamn sob story! Just Shut UP!"

Aragorn looked hurt.

            "YOU shut up, Liz." Said Endril angrily, boxing Lizzie's ears.

            "Yeah, I reshent that." Legolas slurred. "Quit pickin on him! He's ma brother!!"

            "Aww, you're so sweeeet!!" exclaimed August, starry-eyed. She then grabbed a comb and a bunch of little rubber bands from her pack. "I'm gonna braid your hair!"

            "Okay!"

Endril would have been annoyed at this, but she was too busy comforting Aragorn.

            "You should stand up to him, Aragorn," Endril said.

            "I can't." he replied. "He might lock me in the closet." Aragorn shivered at the thought, and Endril nodded sympathetically. At that moment, Lizzie finished digging through August's backpack, and triumphantly held up a magic eight ball.

            "Huzzah!" she cried. "Hey, Lego, look at this!" she rolled the ball over to Legolas, where it remained spinning at his feet. Legolas then proceeded to scream bloody murder.

            "It's ALIVE! Save me!" he screamed shrilly as Auggie watched him with interest. (*wink, wink*) Lizzie, not to be cruel or anything, but form a pure scientific curiosity, pushed it with her foot, sending it rolling after Legolas. He screamed again. hearing the commotion, Aragorn looked up from his bitter moment, to see his friend running in circles. Endril squinted in the darkness. 

            "Is that a magic eight ball?" she asked incredulously. Aragorn jumped to his feet, his tears forgotten. Drawing his beloved Anduril from the scabbard at his side, he pounced after the black ball.

            "Fear not, Legolas, I'll save you!" he cried. "Back, demon, back!" he shouted at the object. Auggie giggled despite herself. After a few short minutes of not getting too close, Aragorn brought the sword down upon it.

            "Hey!" August shouted as she watched the weird blue ink spray all over, including all over Aragorn. Legolas screamed again.

            "Somebody save him! He'll be poisoned! It's attacking him!"

Aragorn stood for a few moments, dripping with blue ink. Fasa picked up the little die with messages on it and examined it. It read: 'ask again later, you trash' Aragorn quietly began to cry. And as Lizzie jumped into her beloved helicopter and flew away, Pippin began devouring the last of the food.

            "You broke my eight-ball, bastard!" August yelled at Aragorn, who only cried more.

            "You, my friends…." Said Legolas rather unsteadily. "Are magically delicious." And then he fainted.

******************

A/N: Ha! It is done! Apologies to Lizzie, Hez, and Elrond for character butchery. And before you go review. (and I know you will), here's a little song me and Endril made up. It is the Ranger Viggo theme song. Enjoy.

-dundundundun-

Raanger Viggooooooo!

Raanger Viggooooooo!

Living in the woods and eating squirrels!

Raanger Viggooooooo!

Raanger Viggooooooo!

Helping out hikers and getting chased by girls!

Raanger Viggooooooo!

Raanger Viggooooooo!

Hoooom.

Was that not super-retarded? Oh, yeah. Now go review, please!


	4. Chapter 4: Chronicles of MiddleEarth: th...

WFA! LOTR-style

Chapter 4:

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. Now that ch. 3 is finally up, you can enjoy the full madness of the story in spiffy chronological order. Woohoo. 

Summary: I'm sick of Lego always being a damn sensitive little prissy boy in all those romance fics. You know, he's always standing around wondering at these feelings he's having (usually for Aragorn) and it gets boring. Very boring. So, this chapter is a screaming parody of Mary-Sues, as well as sappy Legolas romance in general. References include: Fight Club, Galadriel's creepy internal battle, the GAP, medieval siege warfare, Sinfest (sort of) and SNATCH!!! Woo! Love that movie!!! Oh, and this also is a mix between movieverse and bookverse, okay? Now read and review. A hint of slash. The rating went up on this one, I had to do it. 

In the aftermath of the party, August was attempting to get over her hangover. This was difficult because, as the token heroine of the story, she apparently could drink like a fish and party with the best of them, but spontaneously became weak and helpless at certain intervals. This was most likely because her real life counterpart was not of legal drinking age, but liked to pretend she was to be funny. August then began to realize she was the token heroine of the story. This was bad.

"Oh, shit." She muttered into the darkness. It was night, for reasons unknown.

"Are you alright?" asked a soft voice. August had forgotten Legolas was on watch. The Elf sat down next to her.

"Oh, I'm fine…" said August in a distracted manner. She had a feeling something was very wrong. The feeling then turned to nausea. "Oh, I'm gonna go throw up in the bushes beside the conveniently located lake, Lego-kun."

"Are you ill?" he asked, stating the obvious, for that is what he did. Legolas' fair Elvish face was frowning in concern. And other complex emotions he apparently didn't have the brainpower to understand.

"I'll be fine. I'm not bulimic, really…" August then staggered off to void her stomach of liquor.

Legolas sat for a while, watching the fire. Because he had nothing better to do. He never seemed to have anything better to do, these days. And he was slowly falling in love with August, despite all efforts to avoid it. He didn't like this one bit. And then his l337 Elf senses told him something was amiss.

August, having finished her vomiting, was washing her face in the conveniently located lake. She therefore didn't notice the orcs who attacked her.

"The hell?" she mumbled, as the random band of evildoers leapt out of the bushes. With thought processes that enabled her to survive AP Latin 5, August quickly surmised that she was being attacked because she was, indeed, turning into a tragically perfect girl who was freakishly brave, but spontaneously helpless right now.

"Dammit!" August yelled as the pulled out her crossbow and started firing. "I don't want to be a fuckin Mary Sue!" the orcs hadn't bothered her so much as the fact that she was shortly about to be either captured or grievously injured. And so she fought all the harder.

Legolas ran through the trees in a cheesy sequence that showcased how incredibly hot he was. He had to save the random, average traveler from another world who he now, for some reason, thought of as his beloved. He was, of course, going to be too late.

August was doing a fair job of killing orcs, to her suspicion. She shouldn't logically be able to hold her own against that many. She dispatched another one. And then Legolas, true to form, burst into the clearing, shouting her name. August of course turned, giving the orc nearest to her an opportunity to stab her in the shoulder. Instead of fainting right then and there, or bravely fighting on, August stood there for a moment and screamed bloody murder.

"FUCK! This fucking hurts! What the hell did you have to do that for, you fucking cunt?!!" August addressed this fun volatile statement to the orc, but it didn't reply. Probably because Legolas had just shot it in the head. August continued screaming. And then, when she saw the blood spreading, she screamed some more. August had rage issues.

"Are you alright?" Asked Legolas, once again concerned. The phrase 'are you alright', coupled with concern, had somehow wormed its way into his thought patterns, and was beginning to be his trademark.

"Does it look like I'm alright, you fucker? I just got stabbed by a fucking orc, which hurts a whole damn lot, let me tell you, and you ask me if I'm alright?"

"Well, I'm a concerned, sensitive guy, who's absolutely perfect but completely unattainable. Except for you." Legolas was confused at what he'd just said.

"That's the worst pick up line I've ever heard, you bastard. Stay away from me." Legolas had, at the time, been attempting to examine the wound. It seemed perfectly natural (in a bizarre way) that he should be looking after the injuries of the girl he (for no apparent reason) loved. He was therefore a bit shocked at August's anger towards him.

"But… you're injured…I need to nurse you back to health…."

"The hell you do, Elf boy. I heal fast, for some reason." August was getting worried. Her hair was starting to change colors sporadically, and her eyes were now emerald green. They should have been brown.

"But I care about you, August." Legolas looked all the more concerned because something very unnatural was going on in his heart, and he wanted no part of it. The cheesy words just came, with no end.

"Okay, listen man. I like you and everything, but it's not gonna happen." Said August in an attempt to maintain control of her mind. "Yeah, you're hot and you're a kickass fighter and everything, and I'm flattered, really, but neither of us are in our right minds right now, and I don't want it to be like this. When I fall in love with someone, it needs to be for real. This is not reality." She then cleaned the wound in the clear water of the conveniently located lake, dug some Neosporin out of her pocket and applied it to her shoulder.

"Are you sure this isn't reality?" Asked Legolas against his will. "I love you, you know…"

"Shut up right there. Not another fucking word, you hear me? For the love of the Goddess, man, fight it!"

To August's great puzzlement, Legolas began to literally fight himself. This was odd.

"You're not seeing yourself as Brad Pitt right now, are you?" she asked.

The one-man scuffle went on for a while, during which everyone else woke up and staggered over. Eventually Legolas stopped, stood up, and wiped the blood from his mouth.

"What the hell was that?" Endril asked.

"I pass the test." Legolas said gleefully. I'm not in love with August anymore, and I shall remain myself. Hoo, yeah."

August sneezed in reply. She sneezed out little sparkly butterflies that flew over to Endril and vanished in a puff of pink, mass produced smoke sold at the GAP for $20 a bottle. Endril's dirty blonde hair then turned midnight black, and her eyes glowed like the stars.

"Dammit, August, you gave me Mary Sue disease!" Endril yelled. Aragorn gave her a disturbed-yet-attracted look.

"I didn't know I had it till it was too late, End." August replied. "Sorry."

"Whit's goin on, then?" Pippin asked. He was out of it, from all the alcohol he'd had.

"It seems that the fangirl army somehow developed a contagious strain of Mary Sue virus, and August was infected." Mufasa explained. "The disease appears to be short lived, but is very dangerous to the emotions of all involved, as we saw with Legolas."

"What do you mean, 'as we saw'?!" August yelled. "You weren't even there when it happened. I was, and it was fucking weird."

"Oh, you're one to talk." said Legolas, sulking. "You didn't have to fall in love with a crazy person."

"AS I was SAYING." Mufasa continued in her angry scientist voice. "Endril is now infected. We must develop an antidote or else-"

"Or else nothin." August stated. "If those bitches are using germ warfare on us, I'm gonna give them a taste of their own medicine. Old school."

"Whit dae ya mean by 'old school'?" Pippin asked.

More importantly, shouldn't we kill the rest of those orcs that mysteriously vanished?" asked Aragorn.

"Siege tactics." Said August, ignoring him and wearing her trademark evil crazy grin. She went back to the camp and pulled a shovel and a bone saw out of her pack, gesturing for the others to follow her. "Let's go find us a nice ripe horse carcass." She cackled as they walked off into the distance.

***

            August was in the lead. This annoyed Aragorn, who was used to being in charge, but he was too infatuated with Endril to care. She was calling herself Morwen now.

            Meanwhile, there was dissent in the ranks up at the head of the line.

            "August, are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Legolas.

            "Yes. And stop staring at my ass."

            "But-I…wasn't…"

            "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Keep moving." August began to walk faster, having found a stream up ahead which looked promising.

_Damn._ The Elf thought to himself. _She noticed._

On some level, Legolas knew that whatever feelings he was having towards August were due to whatever illness she'd contracted. He wasn't exactly over the moon about the girl, but there was _something_. He kept telling himself it was just the remnants of the virus. However, there was a deeper, irrational level on which a distinctly male voice was saying rather insitently, "Damn. Gotta get me some o' that."

            Trying to clear these thoughts from his mind, Legolas looked towards the stream. There was some sort of mass beside it, which looked like a body. This was why August was heading towards it. On further inspection, Legolas noticed something unsettling. The body was that of a human. One that looked disturbingly familiar. Legolas muttered something very vile in his native tongue which will not be repeated here, and took off running towards the stream.

            "What the hell was that all about?" Endril asked.

            "Jeezus, does he always have to go running off at breakneck speed?" August grumbled. "Damn Elves."

Endril chose to ignore this on the grounds that her asthma was starting to act up.

            Once they had covered a fair amount of distance, they found Legolas standing there, not moving, looking at the body like it was going to jump up and attack him.

            "How the hell did _he_ get here?" asked Aragorn

            "Providence?" Mufasa offered. She and Pippin giggled in an adorable hobbit way.

            "Well, we'll put him to good use poisoning the enemy." Said August matter-of-factly.

            "Good god, no! we have to give the man a decent burial!" Aragorn looked upset.

            "Fine then, you do it." Said August, tossing the shovel at him. 

Everyone stood around looking vaguely bored and disturbed as Aragorn started to dig. 

            "Oi, Elf-boy. C'mere." August hissed.

            "What?" Legolas asked as he walked over.

            "Word on the street is that you're sweet one me." She said, grinning at him. "Well, not actually word on the street. I used me magical Mary-Sue telepathy to look into your mind."

            "That's just the Mary-sue whatever thing you've got. My feelings towards you are completely pla-"

            "Getting defensive, are we?" August smiled again. "Chill. I wanna be friends."

            "Okay…" he replied, not knowing where this conversation was headed.

            But see, you've got a thing for me, I've got a thing for you, so we should act on it."

            "Ah, but I fear the emotional distraction of a relationship would hinder the mission." Legolas said wisely. He was proud of his willpower on that last statement.

            "Hell, who's talking about a relationship? We can just be friends who flirt with each other and have casual sex."

Legolas felt that he had somehow lost a battle of wits, and eh was not sure how. But then he did a little happy dance inside his head. 

            "oh, well in that case, sure. I thought you'd get all attached and clingy and stuff."

            "Hell, life's too short for long-term relationships." Said August, delivering her sage but misguided advice.

            "My sentiments exactly." The Elf replied.

            "So, wanna go fuck?" August smiled coyly at him.

            "Ah, not right now. I gotta go pay my last respects." Legolas replied, kissing her quickly. "Later." With that, he walked back over to the grave, which was starting to really look deep. Aragorn looked more rugged and dirty than ever, and he had taken his shirt off. Mufasa was staring at him shamelessly. 

            "Um, August?" Endril asked.

            "Yeah?"

            "Did you just do what I think you just did?" Endril looked a bit miffed.

            "Dude, not my fault Lego's such a slut. It's not like we're getting married or anything. And hey, at least you've got Aragorn. And the Mary-Sue virus. Your hair's blue now, by the way." Said August.

            "Yeah, I know." She sighed. "I hope no more orcs show up. They bug me."

Just then, there was a shout (Aragorn) a thus as someone fainted (Legolas) and a bloodcurdling scream. (Pippin or Fasa)

            "What the hell is going on?" August asked. The supposedly dead body moved, coughed up some water, and sat up.

            "I live!" the body cried. "Praise the Valar! What is your name, o glorious maiden?" The body was kneeling in fornt of August and holding her hands. 

            "GAH! ZOMBIE GERMS!!!!" August shrieked, although she was really more disturbed by the fact that the body was hitting on her within such a short amount of time after awakening. August then kicked the body, although ti was wearing chainmail, so there was no real damage. The body looked a bit sad.

            "This is not happening." Legolas stated, quickly coming round. "You should be dead."

            "You should have drowned, with all that armor." Fasa pointed out.

            "But I live! Are you not glad?" the body asked. 

            "Boromir, you were shot twenty times." Aragorn said in a level voice.

            "A mere flash wound!"

            "I personally pushed you over a goddamn waterfall!" the Ranger shouted. "You should be dead!"

            "Well, I'm not." Boromir pouted. "And I want my wrist things back."

            "What, the ones with the white tree?" Aragorn gestured to said wrist things, which he was wearing. "Hell no. These are mine."

            "I was given them by my father!" Boromir shouted.

            "Technically, I own them, your shield, weapons, and your whole damn city, so shut your ass up and start being dead." Aragorn was pissed. That was putting it very mildly.

            "You alright, Aragorn?" Fasa asked. The Ranger glared at her.

            "Ee's just 'avin a bad day. Evening. Thing." Pippin said gently. "Ah wonder where Merry is."

Aragorn was now once again leaning against a tree and looking sad. Endril hugged him. There was a pause. A really boring pause.

            "So…"Boromir began. "How's everyone been?"

            "Jeez, where's Bullet Tooth Tony when you need him?" August muttered.

            "Huh?" Boromir was confused, poor sad undead guy. "Anyway, I've really missed you, Legolas." Boromir gave the Elf a meaningful look.

            "NO. WAY. Keep yer hands to yourself, steward. Lego is mine, you hear me? Miiine." August said this in a deranged voice from her perch on Legolas' back. 

            "Now see, woman, this is what I was talking about!" Legolas yelled. "You're getting clingy. Now I will whore myself out to whoever my flavor of the week is, and there's nothing you can do bout it."

            "But it's _Boromir_!" August pleaded. Legolas considered this.

            "Well, yeah. Zombies are all icky. No zombie-loving for me. Sorry, buddy." Said Legolas, punching Boromir lightly in the arm. But the steward seemed to have something wrong in his head, so he cried. Cried like Frodo. But then he noticed Pippin was alive. 

            "Pippin! You're alive!" he yelled wisely. Pip rolled his eyes.

            "Likewise, Boromir. So, how've you been?"

            "Well, I got shot full of orc arrows and pushed over a waterfall, which somehow took me to this tiny stream in the middle of-where am I, anyway?"

            "Rohan." Said Endril, annoyed.

            "Right! Rohan. So I'm here, and I'm miraculously unharmed-"

            "Not _mentally_." August muttered, still sitting on Legolas' shoulders.

            "And someone stole my wrist things without asking!" Boromir glared at Aragorn.

            "I'm not going to dignify that with a response." Said Aragorn.

            "You just did." Fasa pointed out. 

            "And anyway, _you're_ the one who tried to steal the Ring, remember? It's not my fault I'm a better thief than you."

            "But it's the principle of the thing, man! You jacked a dead man for his arm things!!"

            "You weren't DEAD!" Aragorn bellowed.

            "I bet you went through my pockets, too." Boromir was again pouting.

            "Want some _lembas_?" Legolas offered. Various household objects including a colander, a vegetable brush, and a toaster were promptly thrown at him. August caught the colander and wore it as a hat.

****************

Author's note: Thanks once again to each and every one of you who reviewed, I'm glad you like my story. Shout outs go out to: MowMow for amusing me with that bit about the jelly monster; Torturedwriter for her explanation of Pippin and mention of George Clooney (and just rocking in general); LizzieMu for being who she is; Betsy for the idea that the Ent-draughts were drugged; Hallie for the different time zone theory (which is what I was thinking) and Cath Sith more mentioning the Tyler Durden dialogue. That's hilarious! And the reason we were going to Poland was because we were attempting to get there at the time of the Warsaw ghetto uprising to kill some Nazis. But we got lost.

And, since the Elves have notoriously bad postal service, I'm gonna post the recipe for Mirkwood Special Variety Lembas, for all of you to share and enjoy. And please don't sue me if they kill you.

'Mirkwood Special Variety' Lembas

You will need:

A recipe for oatmeal cookies, and all the ingredients it asks for. (Ginger snaps will also work.)

A lot of Pixy stix.

Access to drugs and/or sugar.(not that I advocate drug use, mind you. I advise you use the sugar.)

Step 1: find a decent cookie recipe, and make dough. Add slightly more vanilla than is generally considered "safe".

Step 2: contact you favorite Elf or drug dealer, and have a dime bag of the usual express delivered. Or, if drugs are not available, use sugar. Lots of it.

Step 3: finish making the dough. Place the cookies on cookie sheet of you preference. Dump Pixy Stix over the cookies.

Step 4: bake as directed, eat while reading fanfics. At your own risk.

Note: since "safety" is relative, as are drugs and amounts of sugar, the cookies may be very good, or very, very bad.


	5. Bulksize madness! now 25 more free!

WFA! LOTR-style

Chapter five:

Crossover-tastic!

Disclaimer: If you've gotten this far, you should be aware that I do not own LOTR. I don't even own my friends. Just borrowing them for a bit of out-of-character fun. I do not own Man of La Mancha, Bounty (which is a hella cool movie, go watch it), Matt Damon in any form, Final Fantasy X, Snatch, Jhonen Vasquez, Anthem, Mojo Jojo, Samurai Jack, Edgar Allan Poe, or Labyrinth. Also, I most unfortunately do not own Fushigi Yuugi or any characters therein. I spontaneously invented the RSPCB, but I do not want to be associated with it, because I hate Boromir so very much. And, since Glorfindel was left out of the movies, (never, ever watch the animated one, children.) his characterization as such is completely mine. Ehehehehehehe. My own little Elf slave. Bwhaha. *ahem* yes, go and read the story. Ignore my obsessive ranting in the middle of a disclaimer.

Social commentaries featured herein (summary): Authors getting psychotic and altering the plot, the way people always think up new and interesting ways to kill Boromir, the incredible coolness of the Mirkwood Elves, how much technology is in Middle-Earth, possible reasons Glorfindel was left out of the movies, how poison would work on immortal Elf physiology, why crossovers go bad, blatant neglect of canon characters, why obsession over characters makes your schoolwork suffer, an example of how bad procrastinating can really get, what happens when Self-insertions go too far, and, above all, the Evils of LATIN. On with the fic!!

They went back to the camp. This was a surprisingly difficult process, as Aragorn wanted to be the leader, but Boromir wanted to be the leader instead. August took advantage of this and went to the head of the line. She still wore the colander on her head, and didn't really seem to notice how silly it looked.

            "Uhm….August?" Pippin asked.

            "Hey, I'm pullin a Don Quixote here, Pip." August grinned. " I feel like kickin the crap outta some windmills."

At this, Pippin quietly slunked back to Mufasa. 

            "She's scary." Pippin mumbled. Fasa nodded knowingly.

            "Yeah, she really is. But she draws really well, so we don't have the heart to kick her out."

            "That, and I have executive control over the plot, you know. August said, suddenly appearing next to Mufasa and smiling. "Are we attempting insubordination? Eh? ARE WE?" August once again had a manic gleam in her eyes, causing her to resemble Anthony Hopkins in a girly sense. 

            "Oi! Mr. Christian, I want these mutineers drawn and quartered!" This last statement was directed at Legolas, who was most definitely not Mel Gibson. He sighed. 

            "Jeez, she needs help." Endril muttered. Legolas nodded. 

            "I should call somebody in to take care of it." He said darkly.

            "What are you, some kind of Mafia Elf?" Endril asked suspiciously. Aragorn and Bormir were currently involved in a vicious round of fisticuffs. It seemed Boromir was learning the true meaning of having one's face broken.

            "Well, why do you think we Mirkwood Elves do such a great trade in wine, and have dungeons and bad attitudes, and are generally the richest bastards out of all the Eldar? You don't get ahead in life by sitting on your ass and eating Lembas all day, let me tell you."

            "Umm…"

            "In fact, I was selected for this mission in the first place to ensure that none of the 'Fellowship' use the Ring for their own devices. I'll be getting rid of Boromir sometime within the week, since the Uruk-Hai didn't seems to do a proper job of it…I swear, of you want something done right, you have to do it yourself."

            "Er, really?"      

"Well, if Aragorn doesn't kill the poor bastard before then. Seems quite likely, the way that fight's going."

            "But what about Frodo? I mean, he's got the Ring now…" Endril was interested in this.

            "I've placed an explosive device on the Hobbit, which I can activate at a moment's notice."

            "Do Elves even _have_ that kind of technology?"

            "Of course. Why the hell else would everyone want the damn palantirs? Though those older models are much too heavy." Saying this, he took a marble-sized orb from a hidden pocket and began saying things in Quenya at it. Seeing as how Endril wasn't a real Elf at all, she couldn't understand a word Legolas was saying. Aragorn, who had studied some of the ancient language, could decipher this:

            "Glory, come-------Rohan, yes.--------------there is a situation----------quickly.-------No, not dangerous-----------confused-----girl--------------yes, yes---------quickly----------goodbye."

            "You and your damned Gerundives." Aragorn growled at Legolas. "You know I can't understand Gerundives."

            "At least I wasn't reciting poetry." The Elf said shortly. "At any rate, I've called in a favor to deal with August, since she seems a bit…off. I suspect it's the last stages of the Mary-Sure Virus."

            "Oh, gods, I'm going to die!!" Endril wailed.

            "Well, not necessarily." said Aragorn. "Any pathogen used on humans would have a different effect on Elf physiology." 

            "And you have to take into consideration the fact that the people who developed the virus aren't the brightest of folk. They'd just make the virus stronger if they wanted to harm an Elf. I wouldn't worry."

They stood for a moment, watching August fight off a Random Orc™, which had attacked her. Aragorn was beginning to feel sorry for the orc. 

            "How soon is this 'favor' you've called in going to arrive?" Aragorn asked.

            "Oh, don't worry, he's a specialist at this sort of thing. Best there is, in fact. It's a shame they always cut him out of the films."

            "Who?" Endril began, but stopped once a rider on a white horse rode up.

            "Sweet Mother of God." said August, pausing in her psychotic ramblings to ogle the newcomer. The new Elf dismounted (properly) and said a few words to the horse.

            "It's alright, Asfaloth, go graze for a little bit. I won't let the scary Liv Tyler lady steal you." He then turned to Legolas. "So, what seems to be the problem, Lego?" he grinned.

            Those Fellowship members present frowned. Boromir turned a little green, though it might have been the blood loss and not jealousy at all. Anyway, the guys were all extremely perturbed at the fact that this newcomer was much, much better looking than they were.

            "That, Glorfindel," said Legolas bitterly as he pointed at August. "is the problem."

August was in full-blown shock. Glorfindel turned to her and introduced himself slowly, as one would speak to a small child.

            "Endril…"August said, on the verge of collapse. "It's J-Jude Law. JUDE LAW!!" Endril could not reply as she was drooling far too much than was healthy. 

            So, August, how are you feeling?" Glorfindel asked. "Have a nasty virus, do we?"

            "Love me." Said August quietly as she clung to his chest.

            "Okay, I'm beginning to see why you called me in, Legolas. This _is_ a problem."

            "Oh, just deal with it, you smug pretty bastard." Legolas muttered. "Damn Glorfindel. Always looking better than I do. Argh."

            "When will you people realize that looks aren't everything?" Glorfindel asked, a bit annoyed. "I mean, I get cut out of both films and have to deal with rampant Mary-Sues for a bloody living! Count yourself lucky." He sighed. "August, please stop trying to eat my face."

            "Gghaaahh….I must have you."

Glorfindel was now getting much more than he bargained for, as Endril had attached herself to his leg like a toddler. This made it difficult to walk.  When another person randomly popped out of nowhere, however, Glorfindel made a quick exit for reasons unknown. The rest of the party stopped, and stared. And blinked. This was because there was a person standing there, that is in the camp area, who wasn't in said area before. In fact, it seemed very unlikely that he had ever been in Middle Earth before. He looked a bit confused. 

"What the hell is Matt Damon doing here?" August asked angrily.

"Who's Matt Damon?" Matt Damon replied. Or the person who just looked astoundingly like him. 

"Is he…in character?" Endril looked stunned. The guys were a bit confused, but they were dealing with it. Aragorn had dealt with it by taking Boromir's shield and knocking him unconscious.

"What. Is. Your. Name." said August, whose hands were beginning to crackle with electricity.

"Tom. I'm Tom ripley." Matt said rather hesitantly. "Is a Mr. Greenleaf around?"

It was now Legolas' turn to look stunned. But then August jumped in front of him, wand at the ready.

"I'll protect you from this bastard, Lego-sama." She muttered.

"No, I'll protect him!" yelled Aragorn, drawing Anduril.

"I can take care of myself!!!" Legolas yelled, drawing his daggers and looking quite tetchy.

"I…..don't mean to intrude…" said Tom. August glared at him.

"Get the hell out of here," she snarled. "you trash."

"What harm can he do?" asked Legolas, who was beginning to get annoyed with all this suspense. "He's kinda wormy-lookin. And pale."

"Well." said Endril. "First he'll come on to you like there's no tomorrow." Tom blushed.

"And then he'll steal your life, and murder you, and take your place. Because he is that kind of bastard." August finished her speech with a triumphant look on her face.

"Doesnae seem laike a very nice lad, does he?" said Pippin.

"Now, if you'll just let me explain myself-" Tom began. He was wondering how he'd be able to off all these people who now knew about his secret before the crossover police showed up.

"You will leave Legolas alone," said August. "You are after him, which is bad for you. But Lego can take care of himself. Unfortunately, you cannot."

"What are you talking about?" Tom asked.

"You killed Jude Law!!!" August yelled. "You murdered the most beautiful man alive!" Legolas looked miffed at this. 

"Um…" was Tom's reply.

"You want some head trauma? Huh?" August was getting that look in her eyes again. The one that scared her friends and family. "I'll give you head trauma, you worthless little fuck!!"

From seemingly nowhere (actually just made possible through the laws of Anime) August pulled out Wakka's spiked blitzball from FFX and smashed it, point blank, into Tom Ripley's unlucky little head. She repeated this several times, until the poor bastard was quite dead, and it was doubtful whether he could even be identified by his dental records. The crossover police promptly arrived just minutes too late, picked up the body in a series of plastic baggies, apologized for the trouble, and took the blitzball back from whence it came.

"And that's why you never cross an Anglophile, motherfucker." said August as they carted the body away. "So, who's up for karaoke?"

Crickets chirped uneasily.

**************

And in another dimension of fanfiction reality…

The blitzball, now quite bloody, reappeared in Wakka's hands.

"Well, that was interesting, ya?" the red-haired Rasta/Hawaiian guy asked.

Auron snorted and looked bitter, grizzled, and generally undead. Yuna politely coughed up some blood and fainted.

"Damn, I'm cool." said Lulu.

***************

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

"Gimme back my shield!"

"No!"

"Gimme!!!"

"Ah-ha! You can't catch me! Cause I'm a Ranger! And yooou suck!"

"No faiiiiir!" Boromir whined.

Legolas sighed. There was a set amount of OOC-ness he could handle, but this was ridiculous. This was getting infantile. So much so, in fact, that he decided to voice his opinions with the group.

"You two are infantile." He stated, pointing at Aragorn and Boromir, who were arguing with each other only achieved by six-year-olds over Pokémon cards. But before any more carnage could be done by Aragorn, (who was obviously going to win, whether the  Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Boromir had their way or no. hehe) another mysterious visitor appeared through a glaring plot hole and shot the son the Steward of Gondor in the head point blank with his trusty Desert Eagle. (point. Five-o ^_^) Boromir was now quite dead, and it looked as though everyone's problems were temporarily over. Satchmo, fawning over Bullet-Tooth Tony like there was no tomorrow, took a human form of obsessive Vinnie Jones fangirl and left through the plot hole with him. There was silence.

"That was…." Mufasa began

"Bullet-Tooth Tony, yes." said Endril. 

"From Snatch." said August, who was a bit confused herself over what had just happened. "And Satch went with him."

"He killed Boromir." said Aragorn matter-of-factly. "And while yes, I do appreciate that, he was a member of the Fellowship, so we must sing him a requiem proper, and this time it won't be cut out of the movie.

"Right-o." August said cheerfully. "Only maybe you should just let Legolas sing, A-man. No offense."

"Man, we've had a lot of crossover action lately.." Mufasa pondered. "I'm glad that's over."

"Noo! You've jinxed it!" Endril was furious.

Before any songs could be sung or Hobbits beaten up, Suzaku no shichiseishi Hotohori suddenly appeared out of thin air. Holding a mirror.

"Howdy." He said in a very un-Hotohori manner, and proceeded to stare at his reflection. Legolas narrowed his fair Elven eyes. 

            "August!" he yelled, also in a manner unlike his normal speaking manner behavior type stuff.

            "Ne?"

            "Why is this-this _apparition_ trying to be prettier than I am?"

            "Excuse me, trying?" Hotohori said calmly. Mufasa glared at him.

            "Pretty or not, you're complicating the beautiful relationship between Tamahome and Mia-"

            "SPEAK NOT THE NAME!!!!!!!" August bellowed. "Now shut yer face before I break it. Quit pickin on the bishie, you hobbit girly Fas."

            "Am I the only one who's noticed the grammar in this chapter has been shot to hell?" Endril asked, since she happens to be the one who says sensible things. As it turns out, Aragorn had also noticed, but he was too busy being sad to say anything. Pippin was eating something, since that is a most effective way of occupying characters one doesn't need at the moment, no?

            "GET ON WITH IT!!!"

            "Where the hell is the fourth wall?!" Jhonen Vasquez' disembodied voice wailed in despair.

            "They cancelled your show, J-man!" August cried. "Those bastards will pay!"

Hotohori was still looking at his reflection.

            "I am the prettiest!" Legolas yelled. "This is my domain! Get out! I must be the prettiest at all times grr! Argh!" The normally calm elf went into a comical fit of narcissistic conniptions. (ooh, big words)

            "This parody thing really sucks, Auggie." Said Endril. 

            "Stop being logical, dammit! You're an Elf, not a fucking Vulcan!!"

            "I am the prettiest! Bow down before me!" Legolas yelled, since it was very amusing for sleep-deprived people to force characters like Lego to act in ways they usually don't. 

            "Ha! Since you challenge my beauty, I must destroy you or some other such close-minded Emperor sounding thing!" Hotohori said, a little unsure of the sentence structure. 

            "Is this a plural occasion, no da?" chibi-Chichiri said, confused since he was never introduced as such in this chapter. Has he been there all along? Is this a part of some evil Chichiri plan? Or maybe is it Chichiri's evil twin, and not the real Chichiri at all? And why does he always get paired up with Tasuki in the fanfics? It makes no sense!

            "Heyyyy!" Hotohori whined. "I need more dialogue! Important, huffy action dialogue! And stop butchering my character!"

            "Argh. You people suck." said August, who went back to downloading Queen mp3s, even though they were light-years away in both space AND time from any satellite technology which would have made internet connection in Middle Earth impossible. But hey, I gotta check my email, after all. That, and see if I've gotten any new reviews. Because you know, when you guys don't review, it makes me sad. **I'm a saaaad panda!** Oh yes, I did indeed just say that. Argh! My typing skillz are waning! Nooo! Need…caffeine……argh….

            At this point August got slapped with a random blunt object, and so attempted to re-introduce the semblance of a plot.

            "Line?" Hotohori asked.

            "Umm, something using we, rather angrily, and directed at Legolas." August whispered from offstage. Wait, there's a stage?

            "We must destroy you! For WE, not you, are the prettiest, and the prettiest is us! We are the Emperor of Konan and we are the prettiest and-"

            "Okay, Hori-kun?" August asked, interrupting his rant.

            "Hai?"

            "Two things. You're sounding both like people from Anthem, the freakass Ayn Rand novel about the fucked up plural society, and like Mojo Jojo. At the same time. That's a lot of psycho, my friend."

            "Who said you could be our 'friend'?" 

            "You're not getting it!!"

            "Would you both shut up? I need some action!" Legolas whined. Everyone laughed spitefully. "Okay, I didn't mean it like that, you nancies."

More laughter. This time at the fact that Legolas is attempting to use British insults. 

            "Argh! L337 Elf-boy dagger attack!" said Legolas, who drew his daggers (shiny!) all fast and stuff, spun them around Obi-Wan style for dramatic effect, and then charged at Hotohori.

            "Um….REKKA SHIN'EN!!!!" Hotohori yelled, simply because August didn't know any other FY attack name thingies, or if there even were any. A bigass wave of flames leapt out of Hotohori's official-type Emperor sword and crispy-fried Legolas. But it was okay, since I should remind you all that Elves are IMMORTAL. Petty things like magical fire don't…um..harm…them…..I'll just shut up now.

            "Oi! Who the fuck stole my attack?!" Tasuki yelled, since he is always angry, silly Tasuki. And then a bunch of fangirls broke off from the main pack and jumped him. I will refuse to explain this term to Hez.

            "Hey, you know what's a really cool show?" Mufasa asked.

            "What?" Endril asked. 

            "Samurai Jack!" she and August chorused.  They began singing the cool theme song to Samurai Jack, which is one of the most awesome theme songs ever. Really. And at this point, since I have a literary analysis due tomorrow which I haven't ….started….oh, shit.

            "August is a bad, bad procrastinating person." Legolas mumbed, attempting to put out the flames in his hair. "She should not be writing crap like this that doesn't give the canon characters enough attention when she has a paper due in, oh, sixteen hours!" August looked sheepish.

            "It's not my fault the teacher is evil and stupid." She pouted. "And I'm prolly gonna fail the damn Latin test, too. Are you happy now, Elf boy? Huh? This is what my obsession and adoration for you does to my academic career! Are you satisfied that you've ruined my life, you damned gorgeous Elf, you?"

            "That's taking it a bit far, don't you think?" Aragorn asked. "Besides, you cannot compare to my level of angst. Bwahaha."

            "You just did an evil laugh." Said Endril, incredulous. "An evil laugh! What the hell is wrong with you, man?"

            "Hey, I'm a victim here. It's the author's fault, you know."

            "Yeah…" said Legolas, glaring at August. She started edging away.

            "And I havenae said owt this entire taime!" Pippin yelled while eating a sandwich.

            "Um, August?" Mufasa asked.

            "Yeah?"

            "Isn't it a bad sign when the characters are about to lynch you in your own fic?"

August shrugged.

            "Well, yes. But this is what sleep deprivation and procrastinating get me. I honestly have to blame myself. I've been turned into a damn Mary-Sue by this point, and that is unforgivable. Wait, I need to be thinking about Edgar Allan fucking Poe! Not LOTR! ARGH! Tooo many distractions!!!!!

            There was a noticeable lull in the action. Because the author had taken a break, and just realized that while still a notable work of literature, the writing style had degraded into utter crap. 

So, everyone stood around for a bit and twiddled their thumbs, mainly because with no one writing there was nothing going on. When August finally regained her senses and started thinking again, she was promptly knocked unconscious by Aragorn. Using his stealthy ranger tactics, he took over command of the story, and all was nearly right with the world. 

            "Okay, you crossover Chinese people, go do something productive, and get out of the scene, okay? I've got Orcs to kill." 

Hotohori frowned and, dragging Nuriko in through a plot hole, went to do inappropriate things in the conveniently located random forest nearby. Chichiri shrugged, and went back to his apartment to watch Labyrinth. Tasuki ended up destroying half the rabid fangirl army though the power of his rage. And his tessen, and super speed. But that's not the point. August eventually wrote the paper, and was very happy with the way it turned out. Though her brain was slightly damaged, since she was constantly being hit in the head with random objects. 

"Yeah, that need to stop. My head hurts."

"Oh, go eat some Lembas."

"Shut up, Elf, or I'll call Hez back to kick your ass again." August grumbled.

"Hey, you never really resolved that." said Legolas brightly. "Did I ever heal my wounds, even?"

"Um…..how about you wear an eye patch for the next few chapters, okay?"

"An eye patch? I don't think so. Elves do not wear eye patches."

"That's true, you know." Endril pointed out. Mufasa was sticking up for August's cause.

"Come on, you'll look like a pirate! It'll be cool! ARRRRR!!!"

Legolas sighed in defeat.

            "Fine, if it'll get you to shut up." He wore the eye patch. And my, but he did look dashing. Of course.

*************

Author's note: Yay! Five chapters! This is officially the longest fic I've ever written! Woohoo! I've actually stuck with something! Hooray for me! And I think on this chapter, I achieved levels of utter retardation previously unknown to man. The signature word of this chapter was of course 'argh', I think because this one took me so long to write. But, since it was the first day of spring break, I decided to be nice to you all and finish this chapter. More fun adventures to come, don't you worry. Probably more fun guest stars, but I'm gonna try and stick to the canon from now on. Give under appreciated characters a moment in the spotlight and all that. Today's spotlighted character, you might have noticed, was Glorfindel: as portrayed by Jude Law in my happy little mind world. Heehee. ^_^ Jude Law _and_ Hotohori. What more could a raving fangirl ask for? 

^_^. ~~Nuriko smiley.

Bye, all! And remember to drop me a review!


	6. A Shortcut to Mindnumbing Boredom: Sprin...

WFA! LOTR-style

Chapter six:

Mysteriously short interlude chapter with no actual plot. Bwahahah.

But not really.

Disclaimer: Okay, here's what I do own: August, Legolas' eye patch, a box of frosted cheerios, the NAASC, any fictitious television shows I made up, even if they would get cancelled after three episodes, Aragorn's cherry apron, half of the Muskrat song, my opinions on the treatment of LOTR and also of Iron Chef. Glorfindel isn't mine as such, but the mental image of Jude Law!Glorfindel with job frustration I guess would belong to me. That, and the mysterious Elven sighing disease. Anything else in the story is not mine, kay? Don't sue me.

Summary: A perfectly average weekend morning for the remainder of the Fellowship turns sour. Gratuitous anti-squirrel commentary, bad television shows both real and imagined, and Legolas being angry and somewhat violent. Enjoy. 

***********

August yawned. It was somewhere in the vicinity of noon, and she had awoken to the extremely disturbing sight of Aragorn cooking breakfast. Wearing a pink apron over his usual scummy ranger clothes. This was extra disturbing for the fact that since the son of Arathorn II was doing the food preparation that day, the meal probably included squirrels. August felt she should put a stop to this; or, at least, get someone else to do it for her. She looked around the camp for someone to wake up and do her bidding. Therefore, she calmly walked over to Legolas and promptly screamed in abject horror.

It should here be noted that while yes, Legolas is a very attractive, decent person, chivalrous and all that, he had the unfortunate Elven trait of sleeping with his eyes open. Which looked hella disturbing on anyone, especially someone who happened to be wearing an eye patch. Needless to say, the bloodcurdling screams woke the poor Elf up.

"Wha…?" he muttered. Despite contrary belief Legolas was not a morning Elf. Far from it.

"Go stop Aragorn making breakfast." August hissed at him.

"nnnngh….g'way….needtafixmahair…..want…coffee….wannawatchcartoons…"

"Do it!"

"ergh….gimmelembas….." Legolas said with pleading, red-rimmed eyes.

"Oh, fine." August said, pressing a packet of (hopefully not tainted) lembas into his hand. "Now go do something about your Ranger buddy or we'll all be eating squirrel for breakfast."

"Argh. Women." Grumbling in such a manner, Legolas walked over to the campfire and unceremoniously poked Aragorn in the back. This resulted in him being held at swordpoint, since it's never a wise thing to sneak up and poke a Ranger while he's cooking. Remember this, children. 

"Oi, it's me, fool of a son of Arathorn." said Legolas blearily. "And I hope you're not cooking squirrels again." he munched on the lembas, feeling a bit more awake now.

"No, not cooking squirrels, though that would be nice…maybe scare off those girls who for some inexplicable reason are traveling with us, you know?" said Aragorn calmly. Legolas snickered at this. "What?"

"..Apron! so….funny….pain from laughter…too…much…."

"Hey, you insult my choice of clothing? I could have you executed for that, Elf."

"You're not the king yet….and besides…it's…PINK!" Legolas succumbed to a fresh bout of giggles. 

"I'll have you know it is not pink, the apron is cherry."

"_Cherry_?" August asked, walking up. She also raised an eyebrow in wry disbelief.

"Yes, cherry. It's a manly color." This got more laughter, August now joining in. 

"Argh! Now I remember why I spent so many years in the wild. Alone. To get away from idiots like you!"

"eesh, chill out, Estie." Said Endril, presumably just now waking up.

Aragorn sighed a mighty, angst-ridden sigh.

"What's for breakfast?" Mufasa asked.

"Rabbit stew." The Ranger said shortly.

"You killed a _bunny_?" the hobbit girl screeched. "You were gonna have us eat _BUNNIES_?!"

"Hee, Elessar the Bunny Slayer." August mused, lazily waving her hand in the air and managing to conjure up a box of Frosted Cheerios. "It could be a great hit on the WB."

Meanwhile, Pippin had woken up.

"Breeakfast!" he exclaimed in pure hobbity glee.

"Second breakfast!" said Mufasa.

"Oh, this is gonna go on for a while…" Legolas said slightly bitterly. "Hey, pass the Cheerios."

"Elevensies!"

"Lunch!"

"Tea!"

"Um, Pip, what comes after tea?"

"Supper! Is it suppertime?"

"You know, that joke really doesn't work as well when you're actually talking about meals…" Endril mused.

"Yeah, and dinner comes before supper, everyone knows that." August replied. "And keep your hands off my cereal, Elf boy."

Aragorn, who had ignored the conversations, was continuing to cook rabbit stew, and hummed a jaunty little tune about a muskrat named Karl. (lyrics upon request.)

Endril had stolen the remote to the Palantir somehow, and was flipping through channels to see if there were cartoons on. Because you never come between an Elf and their cartoons.

"hmmm…good morning Minas Tirith, no…..static…Eye of Sauron, no…..BBC world news, no….teletubbies, no….Isengard Stock Report, no…..Sew perfect, ugh….ah! Iron Chef! Woohoo!" They all gathered round the Palantir to watch the splendor that was Japanese combat cookery. 

"Hey, get over here and watch this, Aragorn, you might just learn something." said August, dragging him over. 

Within moments the steel alloy-willed Ranger was in speechless awe of the complete and utter mad skillz of Morimoto.

Pippin and Mufasa now had a very interesting discussion going about the relative merits of macaroni and cheese as an entrée.

"Oooh, foie gras…." said Aragorn contentedly.

"No, my friend." Legolas was concerned. "You must not go over to the dark side. Sakai is evil, you hear me? Eeevil. Japanese French cuisine is not real cuisine at all."

"I…I have been so foolish. I see the light now…"

"Yes…. there is only one way. And that is the way of Morimoto."

Over to the side, Endril was whispering discreetly to August.

"Hey, d'you think it's a bit odd that they've turned Iron Chef into a Zen experience?"

"Yeah, but at least we won't eat squirrels now."

"No, we will. Just amazingly decorated squirrels with a chocolate glaze."

"True."

***********

Two hours later:

***********

August was nearly passed out in front of the Palantir, having binged on frosted cheerios. Endril had been into Legolas' lembas supply again, and so was doing a fair job of wrecking the campsite in her happy stupor. Mufasa and Pippin had eaten the remainder of the food and were now whining about the lack of food.

Legolas sighed angrily.

"Our lives have degraded into nothingness ever since those girls showed up." He muttered to himself. "My lembas stash…."

"Ohh, this is just _perfect_." Aragorn was getting a dangerous tone in his voice.

"What now?"

"All my cinnamon is gone! They've used up all the cinnamon!"

Legolas sighed again.

"Why can't I have nice things?" Aragorn wailed to the sky.

Things were clearly getting out of control, not to mention horribly out of character. 

"Okay, this is ENOUGH." Legolas announced. Everyone turned to look at him. August came out of her cheerios-induced coma. 

"What's enough?"

"I'm sick and tired of you bums—no offence Aragorn."

"None taken."

"Wasting our time when we have a mission to complete. You know, free peoples to save, rings to destroy..."

"Orcs to kill." Aragorn added.

"Um…your point being?" asked Endril.

"Well, from what I've seen, you three are no better than the Mary-Sues that run rampant here. If you're going to stay in Middle Earth, you have to learn how to survive in Middle Earth."

"But…that's what handsome canon characters are for! We can't be expected to look out for ourselves!" Mufasa protested. Legolas (predictably) sighed. 

"Now now, children, you have to go out and make your way in the world. Because I'm sure as hell not going to haul you around on the quest. You're not members of the Fellowship. Find something else to be, okay?" The Elf looked annoyed. "Play some other little make-believe game. One that actually fits in with the world."

"What do you mean by that, exactly?" August asked. 

"Get a damn job!" Legolas yelled.

August attempted to hug the obviously very upset Elf, but was shoved rudely away. Preserving one's sanity came before chivalry in this case.

Sighing in defeat, Mufasa began looking at the morning paper for employment opportunities.

"Hey….great starting salary, opportunity for travel, gratuitous violence.." Mufasa read.

"Whassat about gratuitous violence?"

"Um, this ad for what appears to be a 'upholder of fair treatment for those overlooked in fanfiction', apparently. You interested?"

"Of course! Anything that requires weapons…who's offering the job?"

"Let's see…"Mufasa scanned the ad, looking towards the bottom. "the NAASC."

"What's that?"

"National Association for the Advancement of Side Characters." Endril said, her superb Elf eyes picking out the small print. "Applicants contact NAASC offices, Edoras. Ask for Eowyn."

"Cool!" August crowed. "I'm gonna be a…well, I don't really know exactly, but damn does it sound interesting."

"That's the spirit!" said Pippin encouragingly.

August went off to steal Legolas' personal Palantir/phone marble and call in to ask about the job. Endril snatched the paper from Fasa.

"Hey, a barmaid. I could do that." She said, looking at an ad. Legolas snickered in derision.

"You couldn't barmaid your way out of a paper bag!"

"Oh yeah? I'll show you!"

While this was going on, Aragorn remembered something.

"Oh, Mufasa, I heard they were looking for a library assistant in Rivendell, maybe you'd be-" the hobbit was already gone in a particularly cartoonish cloud of dust. "Interested."

Legolas suddenly noticed the lack of raucous noise in the camp.

"Where's August?"

"She went to Edoras to apply for that job." Pippin said knowingly.

"Edoras?"

"What? It's right over there." Pippin pointed a few hills away, where the fortress of Rohan could clearly be seen.

"Oh, well yes. I knew that."

"Suuure you did, Legolas."

"Oh, shut up, Ranger."

*********

Meanwhile, at Edoras (thanks to uncanny scene changing speed) August was waiting in the lobby of a rather imposing-looking office.

"Eowyn will see you now." said a rather familiar voice from behind the desk.

"Glorfindel? Izzat you?"

"Yes…it's me. Had to take a part-time job…go ahead, laugh." He looked sulky.

"No, why would I laugh? If I weren't skiving off here, I'd be making copies and shelving posters at the Art Museum library. And hey, it's money."

"Yeah…" the Elf was beginning to look starry-eyed with hope. "Thanks…that was uplifting." 

August, unnerved, walked into the office

"He does that all the time, by the way. The whole 'I hate my job' bit. Thinks the self-pity will get him noticed. Poor bastard."

This was Eowyn's method of saying hello.

"I think it's kinda sweet…anyway, I'm here about the job opening?"

"Yes, exactly. So, August, why exactly do you want this position?" Eowyn asked. She was rather scary in a business executive sort of way.

"Well, honestly the bit about gratuitous violence caught my attention at first..."

"Ah, yes. This world needs more girls with a fighting spirit. I had so hoped that the recent influx of female fanfic characters would fill that niche, but for the most part it's been disappointing."

"Well, you seemed to do a good job with that yourself. I mean, the only strong female character aside from maybe Luthien, but she wasn't active…and Galadriel's just sorta creepy…anyway. Ever since I've read the Hobbit-"

"Wait, you're actually read the books?"

"Yeah…"

"Go on."

"Well, I was really disappointed that there was no mention of say, the Mirkwood Elves, the spiders, and the Wargs in LOTR, you know? I mean, those were some really ass-kicking characters. And then there are people like Tom Bombadil and poor Glorfindel, who get cut out of the films, and the way they neglect Bill the pony is just shameful."

"Well, my thoughts exactly. Although many others share those thoughts as well."

"And, um…there's sorta been a curse on attempts to recreate Tolkien's vision, you know, after that evil cartoon movie…" August shuddered. "And the fanfics have suffered for it. It's a situation that needs to be solved with pain and death, if you ask me."

"Well, August, you seem to have the makings of a fine agent for the NAASC." Eowyn smiled. "So, what other related work have you done?

"Let's see, babysitting, office assistant, librarian of sorts…I write fanfics…"

"You do." Eowyn's eyes narrowed, her voice cold.

"Mostly parodies, really. But I did do this one-about you, in fact, the whole 'hey, I'm in love with Aragorn but dammit, I'm strong, I can survive' sort of thing."

"Stop plugging your own story!" Glorfindel shouted from the next room. "It wasn't that good!"

"Quiet, Elf." Eowyn said shortly. "August, you're hired."

"Lord, what fools these mortals be…" Glorfindel sighed. 

"Can I get a mace?" August asked.

"Sure."

*********

And over in another region of Middle Earth…

"This bar is nasty." Endril announced.

"Well, that's what the barmaid is there for. To clean things." said Butterbur a little gruffly, if confused. "And besides, it's an inn, not a bar."

"Whatever. It's nasty. I was hoping for more of a bar-_tender_ job, you know? Listen to people's problems; give advice, smile and nod. That sort of thing."

"Do you even know anything about mixing drinks?"

"Um, well…. I used to hang out in beer gardens as a little kid. Lived in Germany for a bit, as a matter of fact."

"Well, we'll give you a trial run for a few hours, see how you work out."

"Woohoo!"

"Eh?"

***********

And, once again, meanwhile back at the ranch:

"Aragorn?"

"Yeah?"

"Um…." Legolas looked as if he really didn't want to say what he wanted to say.

"You two aren't having a slashy moment, are ye?" Pippin asked.

"No, fool of a Took. I was gonna say that I'm bored." The girls had left, but for some reason they didn't exactly feel like packing up and getting the hell out of there. Legolas had inspected all his arrows for what seemed like the thirteenth time, and if Aragorn didn't stop sharpening Anduril, Pippin was fairly sure it would fall apart again. 

"Well, go see what's on the Palantir, then." Aragorn said, rather distracted.

"I'm beginning to miss them, you know…" Legolas sentence trailed off as he changed channels. "Sweet mother of Isildur."

"What is it?" Pippin scrambled over. He was speechless, for once.

"Oh, come on you two, whatever show's on can't possibly be that-praise the Valar."

"Girls." said Legolas numbly.

"Girls…in bikinis."

"Whoa."

Having never quite that much skin before (oh come on, it's Middle Earth for chrissakes.) the guys were in shock. Happy shock, but shock nonetheless. The palantir droned on.__

Previously, on Survivor… 

"Oh, praise the Valar. My life has suddenly taken on new meaning."

"Hey, that one girl's quite the bitch."

"Maybe they'll fight!"

"Ooh!"

Over in Rivendell, Elrond the temporarily omniscient (for plot-hole purposes) grumbled in despair. Or angst. The jury's still out on that one. 

"Great…trans-dimensional reality television programmes corrupting the Fellowship….and I thought _Orcs_ were going to be a problem…" he sighed. It seemed to be catching among frustrated Elves.

"Uh, sir?" the incredibly short girl asked.

"Listen, I don't care if you can read Elvish or not, I have bigger problems to deal with…ah, just go dust something, will you?"

"Sure thing!" Mufasa, grinning like a kid in a candy store (or a nerd in a Library) went to go peruse the shelves.

"Damn Fellowships aren't what they used to be…" Elrond said to himself. "Now where the hell is my green sequined dress?" he began pacing somewhat nervously.

"Arwen!" the yell went resounding though the hallowed halls of Rivendell.

"Yes, da?"

"D'you have my green dress?"

"What, the one with the sequins?"

"Yes!"

"No, I think you loaned it to Felicia…"

"Damn." He muttered, yet again. It was getting so difficult to keep track of things, what with all the crossovers and other film references…

"Argh. Fanfic authors are a virus. A cancer of this bloody planet."

*********************

Author's note: okay, so this chapter is shorter, but I wrote it all in one day, so the thoughts kind of hold together better, don't you think? More cohesion and all that. Next up, life in the workforce of Middle Earth takes its toll, the guys become addicted to daytime television, more Glorfindel, more Eyepatch!Legolas, and quite possibly more Elrond. I'm on an Elf-writing kick, what can I say? At any rate, this chapter is dedicated to….um…Guy Pearce, for being the transie we all know and love. And for being really buff. Whoo, yeah. And I don't have anything against Survivor, honest. It's just slightly less debauched than Temptation Island. That, and I hate Jeff Probst with a passion. Eep, Arwen made a cameo! And I didn't kill her! Wow, I'm messed up today..

So, um, go be happy that I finished two chapters in a week, okay? This is a rare occurrence for me. Hoorah! And please review. 


	7. Absurdly long Filler Chapter!

WFA! LOTR-Style!

By August DuMonte, that crawlin wee tim'rous ferlie.

Chapter 7ish: What's this? An Update? (Alternative title: Bitter Glitter and Wargs. And Lex.)

Disclaimer: No owny, no lawsuit! Pweeze!  I borrow a line from Harry Potter, and reference a thousand other things which I also, predictably, do not own.

Notes: This half-assed attempt at a chapter is written script-style for your enjoyment. Any breaking of the fourth wall is meant as thinly veiled exposition and Author's notes throughout the text. A slice of my life, if you will. Apologies for Hez's bad characterization, and Pippin's bad accent. Everything else is intentional.

********

It is late afternoon, on the plains of Rohan. The sun is fading, the wind is pleasant, and the three coolest members of the Fellowship are ignoring it all and watching trans-dimensional television shows on the Palantir.

Legolas: Eh, this show is boring. Why are we watching it?

Aragorn: Because it's a rerun and I haven't seen this episode yet! This one's the best!

Pippin: How d'ye know et's the best if ye've never seen et before?

Aragorn:…..Shut up and let me watch my stories.

*Endril rides up unannounced.*

Endy-chan: Oh, yay! Smallville!

Aragorn: Shhh! It's the one where Clark makes an ass of himself and continues to have a boring non-relationship with Lana. Oh, how I love that poor, hideously beautiful girl.

Legolas: I thought you had sworn your heart to Arwen, man.

Aragorn: …Well…*looks shifty*  Kristin Kreuk is a celebrity! It's not like I'll ever meet her or whatnot.

*Endril snorts at the mention of Kristin Kreuk as a 'celebrity'*

Endy: You _need_ to sort out your priorities. Lana is nothing. Clark is nothing. There is only Lex. 

August, appearing out of nowhere: Yesssssssh! Mmm, Lex.

Legolas: How can you love _him_?! He's-he's evil!

August: So?

Legolas: But he's **_bald_**!

Endril: That's half the appeal, man! It's LEX. There is no one sexier.

Pippin: Whit about me?

August: Aww, that's cute. But shush, so I can watch ma sexy, sexy man act circles around the rest of the cast.

*Mufasa walks slowly up the hill, covered in dust*

Fasa: *coughs* Stupid Elven library….Hey! Smallville! ..Eww, it's Lex.

Endril, August, and Aragorn: SHUT UP!

Aragorn: Lex is being angsty! Not as angsty as _me_ of course…

August: Oh god, here we go again..

Legolas: We need to talk about me!

Pippin: No we don't, ye manic wee elfie!

*Endril smacks August in the face*

Endril: Enough with the Robert burns-speech! It's annoying!

August: But Pippin dialogue is so hard to write!!

Hez: Write dialogue for me! Me!! I play hockey! …Sort of!

Legolas: How'd _he_ get here? *growls*

Endril: Down boy. Siddown, shut up, and wear your eyepatch!

Legolas: You've all turned against me! *Starts to cry*

August: jeez, man. I thought you were Lego-sama, not wussy-ass Frodo baby, cryin an shit.

Hez: Are you really this ghetto?

August: No. Not really. On occasion, however…

Aragorn: Shut up! I'm trying to watch Smallville!!

*A short, balding, Jewish man walks in.*

Eli Shapiro: Kids these days and their television shows, and their mangy haircuts. Back in the old days we couldn't grow our hair long if we _wanted_, because we were impoverished children of Polish immigrants, forced to sell newspapers on the streets or work in the string factories of New York. And when the subways went by the ground shook and there was none of these-these shenanigans that you kids do, your 'alternative lifestyles' and what-have-you. Frank, my boy, your grandparents would be ashamed! 

*Eli Shapiro exits as mysteriously as he appeared*

Legolas: What…. the hell…was that?

Aragorn: Squirrels! Let's cook some squirrels!

Hez: You're not serious. 

Aragorn: Oh, but I am. You see, there's a snowstorm coming, and if we don't have enough food and firewood we'll be trapped on the mountain for the rest of eternity, forced to eat the yuppies in the hiking group.

*A pregnant silence fills the camp*

August: Um, Lego? Was he at all like this on Caradhras? 

Legolas: Now that you mention it…hmm. This is unusual behaviour.

*Aragorn turns off the Palantir and walks out of the camp.

Fasa: Hey! I wanna watch Smallville!

Endril: _I_ wanna watch Lex!

Aragorn: No time for that. I'm going to go **scout**.

*He leaves*

Pippin: Whit was _that_ about?

August: You know Pip, I don't think we ever resolved that aspect of his character.

Hez: But anyway. Let's do something. Something cool.

August: LEX!!

Hez: ….didn't need _that_ mental image…

Endril: ooh! Let's go back in time to the beginning of "Fellowship", and film the LOTR movies before Peter Jackson gets a chance to!

Fasa: Like you were going to do with Moulin Rouge?

Hez: Wow, girls. Illegal much?

Endril: shush. It'll work.

Legolas: But I doubt any of you have time-travel powers. Oh wait, you're blatant **_Mary-Sues_**. Never mind. *Glares at them*

Fasa: Since when did Legolas get all mean and stuff?

Pippin: Good question.

August: I have a solution! *Pulls a bottle of Pantene pro-V conditioner out of nowhere, and holds it up for all to see* Behold! Not that you need it or anythi-

*Legolas yoinks the bottle and cradles it like a child*

Legolas: Shiiiiny……prettyyyyyy…..

Hez:…so anyway….I don't think your time-travel plan's gonna work, Endril. Shouldn't there be something else you guys can do whilst in Middle-Earth?

August: What, like conquering the Mary-Sue army? That plot point faded into the background ages ago.

Endril: And we have jobs now, so it's not like we're doing nothing all day.

*Elrond appears in a flash of light and a cloud of glitter. Bitter glitter.*

Elrond: *AHEM*

August: Squeee! Agent Smith!

Fasa: I didn't steal those books, I _swear_!

Elrond: HELLO? The Ring must be Destroyed!!

Endril: Aw, Frodo can handle that shit, man.

Elrond: Well then…erm….The Plot must be Restored! Your audience is slipping. And it's no longer a good parody of the film.

Endril: Okay, there's a fourth wall here, Smith. Or at least there _was_.

Elrond: But still, I'm right and you know it. Get to work.

August: Okay, okay. We'll do the film parody thing. 

Endril: We can do it about the spiffy extended edition DVD!

Hez: W00t! Bookends!

August: And…um…we'll even bring back Boromir!

Legolas, snapping out of 'shiny' coma: That's going a bit _too_ far, don't you think?

Fasa: Nah, it'll work, you'll see. Once Aragorn gets back to camp we'll watch madcap Michael Douglas movies. Like A Perfect Murder and Don't Say a Word.  And we can kill little evil vermin bunnies. And eat them, so that the rest of the bunny nation will know me, and fear!! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

*Yet another pregnant silence*

Endril: And we can watch Goldeneye! 

August: No, we won't. We'll watch From Russia With Love, or nothing at all. Fighting Gypsies!! 

Endril: You and your Sean Connery obsession…

Hez: Hey, he was the best Bond. I don't see why you persist in liking that Pierce Brosnan guy.

Meanwhile, the sun has set and it's now pitch black. Legolas begins to twitch.

Legolas: There's a fell voice in the air! Wargs!

August: SWEEEEEET!!!!! Wargs rock!

Hez: And you're still a Jedi? *shakes head in confusion*

Endril: Well, it looks like there's only two Wargs. And Glorfindel is riding one of them.

*True enough, Glorfindel and two Wargs enter the camp. Legolas quietly takes aim at Glorfindel out of pure jealousy*

Glorfindel: Hello again, August. I've brought your company transportation.

August: Sweet! I get a Warg!!

Legolas: *coughMarySuecough*

Hez: Oh shut up, Elf boy. Wargs are cool.

*August proceeds to fawn over the huge giant wolf like it's a fuzzy puppy*

August: You're a cute puppy, aren't you? I'm gonna wuv you forever! And I'm naming you..um…Gingetsu!

Gingetsu: Raargh. *happy wolf-smile*

Glorfindel: And here's your paycheck, Augs. Eowyn would like you to know about the office party next week, for the holidays.

Endril: What holidays?

Glorfindel: Crazy Rohirrim holidays, I dunno. Gotta go! Bye!

Legolas: Why does he keep doing that?

August: *fuming* My pay SUCKS.

Fasa: ooh, lemme see….ouch. you're right.

Pippin: Well, Rohan is in wartime right now…perhaps the economy will pick up after-

Endril: You said the "E" word!! GAAH! *curls up into a ball and cries*

Gingetsu: *nudges Endril and she rolls down the hill*

August: Bad Warg! No! You do not use my friends as sporting equipment!

Gingetsu: rowwr?

August: No. But if you're good, I'll let Hez take you for a rampage.

Hez: Yes! Rampage! Awesome!

Elrond: Again, you're getting off-track.

August: Jeez, chill. Let me do my art thing, ya plot Nazi.

Fasa: Plot Nazi! It's so true!! He is!

Elrond: do you want to keep your job?

Fasa: sorry. *Runs off with Pippin to go eat things*

Elrond: So get cracking. Write, girl! Write!

*Elrond disappears silently into the shadows*

August: Evil, Evil, Elf Lord…..

Endril: *walking back up the hill* Wanna do another collaboration chapter?

August: Hell yes. Roll credits, this is getting too long to be considered filler.

**********************

Author's notes: Super, super apologies for turning into the type of author I hate, by not updating in forever. My schoolwork is taking up all of my time this year, but Endril and I are working on a mega DVD-parody chapter, which'll be awesome. Awesome, I tell you! This chapter is dedicated to Arwen Undomiel, who was appropriately not present, and only mentioned once. Of course, mega big thanks to everyone who likes this fic, you made me feel horrible for not updating in so long. ^_^. I needed to get out of my writing slump and you guys motivated me! Don't you feel proud? No? Fine. Just go and review then, kay? Ja, matta ne!

~August~


	8. Super Extended Deerkillin DVD edition pa...

When Fangirls Attack!! LOTR-STYLE!

Chapter 7: Special Extended Deer-killin' DVD Edition parody. With CONVICTION.

Written as a joint effort between August and Endril.

Disclaimer: How much of this dialogue is blatantly stolen? The exact same amount proportionally as the amount of time in Jackson's TTT film taken up by battle scenes.  We don't own: LOTR (for starters, but you knew that, didn't you?), The Ba$e Boyz, Ian McKellen's boyfriend, Peter Jackson himself, Empire Records, Steve McQueen (in any size, shape, or form), Snatch, Annie's Song, My Best Friend's Wedding, Legolas's medical degree, Uprising and any actors therein, Harry Potter, Agent Smith, Jim Croce songs, West Side Story, Javert from Les Miserables, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner in Seven Parts," our AP lit teacher, and we DEFINENTLY (though we wish we did) do not own The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Authors' Notes: At the bottom, and throughout the text. ^_^.

                                                                                                *                              *                              *

It was three o'clock in the morning and no-one could find Aragorn. Angry, Angry Gandalf was trying to kill Frodo for waking him and Gandalf's strange Hispanic-looking boyfriend up so early with loud, ungodly music that kids these days are corrupted by. Peter Jackson had been frolicking in the hills pretending to be a hobbit when Random Crew Member #3715R approached him, drugged him, abducted him, locked him in the basement, and forced him to watch all of Liv Tyler's parts in Empire Records on replay until he cried with shame for ever considering casting her in a part that was meant for Glorfindel. Oh wait, that's not part of the story…

                "Okay, where the Hell's Aragorn?" Boromir whined. "We have to film my death scene!!"

                "Oh, shut up and sit still." August grumbled. "I have to give you these low-tech fake arrow wounds, you loser." Legolas ate another _lembas_ and smiled dreamily. He stood up and held up the _lembas_ for the invisible telly audience to see.

                "_Lembas_." He smiled meaningfully. "One small bite will fill the stomach of a grown man. Get your own _Lembas_ today at a supermarket near you!"

 Endril raised an eyebrow.

                "Who are you talking to?" she said. With conviction. "And anyway, we don't have time for advertising! We have to find Aragorn!!" at this point, she was getting a bit hysterical. Fasa ran by and waved hello. She was looking for more foot wax, and ran into the trailers where the hobbits were being kept captive by Fasa and the strange people whose only job was to spend the early morning hours looking at men's feet. Wow. Boromir started talking about emotion AGAIN, and how he was more fascinating than Aragorn, which was a blatant lie.

                " Shut the hell up, you dork!" Endril shouted, jumping up and hitting him over the head with Steve McQueen. "You do NOT disrespect Aragorn like that, Bitch! You caint touch ma man like that! You know why? 'Cause he ownz youz!"

                "Straight up," August said with conviction. "You shouldn't be grabbin' on his mad cool Ranger threadz like that. You just trash up from Gondor, thinkin' youz somethin'. But you aint fool! You aint!"

                "I aint scurred," Boromir said. Not with conviction. 

                " He be ownenz youz," Auggie said again.

                "Hey, I thought I owned everything!" Sauron said from somewhere in the sky. A high-pitched scream issued from the vicinity of the hobbit trailers.

                "Oh damn, Frodo's having an episode…." Endril sighed.

                "Sauron: Lord of the Ring. Aragorn: Lord of Everything Else," August said with conviction. "And besides. Does Sauron have an ARMY of ZOMBIES? I don't think so."

                "This is kind of creepy," Legolas said without conviction. "This is the most we've said nice things about Aragorn without mentioning me ONCE. This needs to stop now."

                " Maybe he went off to scout. Or lay down on a prairie for hours on end without moving, listening to Mother Earth, or whatever shit that hippie does," Boromir grumbled without conviction. At that moment, Aragorn walked back into camp, looking slightly the worst for wear. Not that anyone could actually tell. He seemed to be carrying what looked awfully like a fully-grown deer over one shoulder, which had been cut. 

                "It's SUPER ARAGORN!" Endril cried out.

                "Angstier than a speeding bullet," August said. "More powerful than… well, a lot of things really. Boromir for starters."

                "Hey, I'm more powerful than Boromir," said Endril.

                "Well…. you're freakishly strong!" Boromir cried. Endril sighed.

                "Well, Frodo then. He's stronger than you."

                "Hey man, Frodo aint got the juice!"

                "What the hell?" Legolas said, and it was never spoken of again. With or without conviction. By this time Aragorn had reached camp (supposedly they have a camp now. Maybe its one of those Gypsy camps like in Snatch.), and dropped the deer on the ground. He seemed to be bleeding from the head. The rest of the group stared at him for a few minutes in shock (with conviction). 

                                                                                *                              *                              *

All authors writing this story take a minute out to sway back and forth to "Annie's Song." Which is even better sung by boys who have swallowed too much helium, and are in a movie with cute gay guys. And ugly-ass Julia Roberts. Anyway… back to the story (With conviction).

                                                                                *                              *                              *

                "So……Dude, is that a deer?" August asked Aragorn, incredulous.

                "Yes. Yes it is. I killed it with my BARE HANDS."

                "Wow, that's extremely rugged and manly of you." Fasa pointed out. "More so than before." Endril looked at the deer.

                "How could you kill that with you bare hands? I mean, it's a deer. They're dangerous when cornered."

                "I thought that was cats." August said.

                "I move like a cat!" Legolas shouted to no one in particular.

                "Well, it did put up a bit of a fight…." Aragorn looked shifty, and possibly a little off-balance for once.

                "Are you okay?" Endril asked. "you know, not just normal angst-levels? you look injured. Or nauseous."

                "I'm okay." Aragorn said in a grizzled voice.

                "You have a concussion!!" Legolas shouted, which probably wasn't the best thing to do given the current medical situation of the Ranger.

                "I'm okay!" Aragorn yelled, more grizzled-sounding than before.

                "You seem to be bleeding profusely from the head."

                " No I'm not."

                " Umm…you are."

                "No. That's the deer's blood. I killed it, you know."

                "I think I can see bone…" Legolas said in a fascinated voice.

"It's just a flesh wound!" he cried. " I'm okay!"

" Can I see?!" August asked, wanting to be near Legolas as he pulled out some medical equipment from his quiver.

" It's…. it's nothing. From the war, that's all."

"What war? Specify," Endril said. 

"Nam." (pronounced 'Naam, not Nahm')

"You weren't in Vietnam," Endril said. She felt like she needed a drink. A big one.

"I was too!"

"Some attention on ME, please," Legolas said, tired of playing doctor. August, on the other hand, wanted very much to play doctor with Legolas.

Here the author #1(August) would like to note that while no, she did not just write that sentence, Endril did. You the reader should feel free to take that the wrong way, as August's mind in eternally in the gutter. Thank you.

"I was in WWII too!" Aragorn shouted. 

                "No you weren't," Endril said. "I can promise you that."  
                "But Kazik was," August pointed out, with conviction. 

                "And Buff Hank Azaria," Endril added.

                "You guys are hiding something," Aragorn said suspiciously. "I think this IS WWII. You must be those French spies!"

                "How DARE you!" August screamed, lunging at him.

                "He has a concussion, remember?" Endril said tiredly. 

                "I'm okay," Aragorn said somewhere in the background.

                "You know, you're right. We aren't spies. But this IS WWII. We're under attack, and really we just need to get this scene filmed. The Nazis are dressed up as strange monster things. We need to kill them. Okay?" 

                So the group packed up, having convinced Aragorn that he was a soldier in World War 2. With that taken care of, and the actual plot (as if there was one) finally on track, they  headed off on a dramatic aerial shot.

                "Lets go hunt some Orc," Aragorn said, with conviction for once. "And by Orc, I mean NAZIS!!!!!"

            END SCENE ONE

*                                              *                                              *                                              *

Note from the Author #2 (Endril): I believe it is obvious (well, maybe not obvious, but widely understood) that the Fellowship has somehow, due to powers beyond our perception, arrived on the banks of the Celebrant, in Lothlorien. So deal with it.

                Celeborn hesitantly eyed Aragorn from a distance. Aragorn was in a world of his own, singing some song about killing Nazis, and swinging his sword around. 

                "Are you _sure_ he's not dangerous?" Celeborn asked, hoping that whatever happened, he would not get his pretty white dress dirty. 

                "Wait!" August cried. "You actually have _emotions?!?! _I thought you were creepy monotone man."

                "No, Auggie, silly. That's FAT ELF, remember?" Endril said.

                "Hey!!! I _heard_ that!" Haldir shouted. Lucius Malfoy came out, blond Elf hair shining in the sun, and hit Fat Elf over the head with his staff. Endril raised an eyebrow.

                "Wow. He could be, like, an evil wizard," Auggie said. 

                "Umm….. Auggie? He _is_ an evil wizard," Endril said. "How much Lembas did you eat this morning anyway?"  

                "Shut up," August mumbled. She turned to Legolas for him to protect her, but he was too busy patting his new bow like it was a strange pet. August was pretty sure he'd named it too. She picked the bow up and held it out in front of her as she walked away.

                "Lego-kun! Pretty bow! Shinnnneeeeyy. Follow Auggie," she crooned. Endril rolled her eyes.

"Aragorn, I need to talk with you," Celeborn said slightly nervously as he approached the estranged Ranger. Aragorn put his sword back and eyed Celeborn suspiciously.

"You a Nazi?" he growled, touching the sword point to Celeborn's chest.

"Um….nooooooo," Celeborn said, upset that his pretty dress now bore grass stains. "I'm technically your foster-Grandfather. Which is kinda weird, as you want to marry my granddaughter."

"No he doesn't!" Endril shouted from somewhere in the distance.

"Are you a French sissy spy?" Aragorn interrogated. 

"No….of course not! I'm not a spy! Why would you say that?  Do I look like a spy? What is it? My hair? My dress? Actually, it's more of a nightgown than a frock, but…" Celeborn caught himself. "Dammit, Aragorn, will you just _look_ at me for a second and listen to what I have to say?!" He could see he was already loosing Aragorn's attention. At his rope's end, he grabbed the delirious (note: when this was first written, accidentally came out as "delicious." While maybe not appropriate for Celeborn's character, it is still very, very accurate)  Ranger by the arm and began to lead him down the path, and started his little speech. He had worked hard on it, and just because Aragorn had a concussion and thought he was killing Nazis didn't mean Celeborn could have his fun. 

"Do _all_ Elves have A.D.D?" Boromir said in a frightened whisper. 

"Mostly," Endril said with conviction. "Except maybe Elrond."

"That's because he's Agent Smith," Fasa said brightly to Boromir. "Anyway, we hate you. Go practise your death scene or sumthin."

(back to Celeborn…)

                "Orcs heading blah blah blah blah," Celeborn was saying in a somber tone to Aragorn as they walked together down the path. Aragorn had been listening at the start, but within a few minutes was staring at the butterflies and the sunlight filtering through the trees, and in all truth not really caring one bit about what Celeborn was saying , even though for once he was speaking in something other than his creepy monotone/robot voice. Celeborn, trying to get the severity of his point across, snapped his fingers in front of Aragorn's eyes and then pointed into his own eyes.

                "Focus!" he snapped, and Aragorn let his attention, for the moment at least, drift back to Celeborn. With a sigh, Celeborn handed him a pretty knife. "I was going to save this until after my dramatic speech, but it seems you are a little pre-occupied with something." Aragorn wasn't listening. "Focus, Damn you! Focus!" he could be heard screaming from beyond the trees.

                "Aragorn sure brings out the best in Celeborn," Legolas said with conviction.

                "Aragorn seems to bring out the best in everyone," Boromir said snidely, though he wasn't sure if he was making a valid point against Aragorn's reputation or not.  He wasn't.

                "Damn right you're not making a valid point." August said. Omnisciently. "Aragorn's the baddest man in the whole damn town! Badder than old King Kong!"

                "Auggie, I don't think_ your_ making a very valid point yourself, though brownie points for the folk music plug."

                "As I was _saying_, stop talking smack about Aragorn. It gets you killed."

                "I'm not talking smack about Aragorn, I'm just trying to point out that I'm angsty, and no one seems to want to do anything about it!" Boromir was getting hysterical.

                "Not as angsty as me." Aragorn said nonchalantly from a few yards away.

                "ARRRRRGHHH!!!! I hate you people!!!" And with that, Boromir stormed off in a huff. That British enough for you? 

                "Hey! He's not being self-centered, he's just being honest!" Endril shouted after him, and another pain-filled cry echoed through the Land.

                "Strange, are you starting to feel sorry for the man?" Fasa asked in a Ford Prefect voice. The remaining people looked at each other.

                "Nah, can't be," Endril said. 

                "Ahem." Said Celeborn impatiently. Everyone turned towards him. "Aragorn wishes to make a statement."

                "Oh, we'll just drop bloody everything else we're doing to listen to his pearls of wisdom, shall we?!!" Boromir shouted from over the hill. Everyone exchanged confused, frightened glances.

                "Um.." Aragorn said, meekly for once.

                "WHAT?" Boromir shouted, still walking away.

                "I bwoke my toe," Aragorn said in the manner of a  whimpering three year old.

                "Awwww, poor baby!" Endril cried, rushing to his side. "Were you trying to kick those nasty Orc helmets again?"

                "Oh my God, are you okay?! Here, take my shirt!" Legolas said with concern. August rolled her eyes.

                "Any excuse to take off his shirt," she moaned, but of course inside she was quite enjoying the show.            

"How come he can survive a fight with a deer, but not a simple toe breaking?!" Boromir shouted angrily, even farther in the distance than before, and the others were beginning to wonder about the new hearing ability Boromir must have picked up from something in the water.

                "He has a concussion," Endril said, as if it explained all. And it did.

                "Not to agree with dead man walking over there, but that don't make no sense, Endril." August pointed out.

                " You've got to stop trying to kill anything in your path, Aragorn," Endril scolded.

                "But it could've been a Nazi," Aragorn said with conviction. Even August had to admit Aragorn had a valid point there.

                "Well, just stop it, okay?" Endril said. "Are you listening?" she said. Celeborn let out a long, desolate sigh. 

                "Don't bother," he said grimly. "No one listens to my advice anyway." No one was really listening, so the comment was left to hang in midair for a few minutes. "Did I say something wrong? Well excuse me for breathing, which I never do anyway, so I don't know why I bother to say it OH GOD I'm so depressed!" Celeborn said darkly, going off to sulk for a few thousand years.

                "Where'd Celeborn flounce off to?" said August without much interest, and everyone else shrugged.  However, as the Elf-quota had to be kept up, Glorfindel appeared for no apparent reason.

                "Hello all. Lovely day, isn't it?" Glorfindel then proceeded to smoke a cigarette. For  NO APPERANT REASON.

                "Very James Dean of you, Glorie," said Endril. "But those things give you cancer."

                "I didn't get killed by a Balrog and resurrected and have my part stolen by Steven Tyler's daughter, for chrissakes, just to have you lot get all 'politically correct' on me about my addiction. So shut up."

                "I bwoke my toe," Aragorn piped up. 

                "Err…is he okay? Too much pipeweed?" Glorfindel said.

                "Double Standard!!!" Fasa shouted.

                ~"I'm okay, though," Aragorn said faintly in his normally grizzled voice.

                "No one cares!!" Boromir shouted, even _more_ faintly. He must have been quite a few leagues away by this time.

                "I love you," said Endril and August with conviction to Glorfindel for a VERY apparent reason.

                "Me too," said Aragorn sleepily from the ground.

                "ME ME ME ME ME ME  ME M EM EM EME MEMEMEMEMEM!" Legolas shouted. "Look at me! I'm so pretty, oh so pretty, I'm so pretty and witty and gay!" 

Glorfindel coughed pointedly. 

as our brains have successfully been taken over by our AP Lit teacher, we are no longer fit to write entertaining parody fiction. We are, however, fit to write long winded essays on Romantic literature. Please help us before our souls are devoured by the Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Thank you, that is all.

                Meanwhile! …Aragorn was getting philosophical from all the blood loss, as he had somehow ("OF COURSE" Boromir shouted) managed to get injured again. Endril suspected that it had something to do with all the dead squirrels that were lying about, and Aragorn kept calling Nazi scum.

                "Hey….." He said, sounding like a drug addict. "Have you guys ever, you know, thought about how cool it is?"

                "Cool what is?" Endril asked. She was getting concerned for the remnants of Aragorn's mental health.

                "How cool it is that the entire population of middle Earth is held together by BELT BUCKLES and STRING!" he shouted suddenly, sitting up to show off his belt that was tied like a tie and his weird little gauntlets that he'd stolen from Boromir and the detachable sleeves from his jacket, and all the ties that were holding obscure Elvish weapons to his boots and even his other weapons.

                "Scary. Really, really scary, but true." Said August, smiling as Boromir came trudging back to camp (it was a few days later). He sat down with the others, and Celeborn came back bearing s'mores. 

                "Look at the pretty stars," Aragorn said.

                "You're not going to sing some Javert song, are you?" Endril asked.

                "Maybe," he said, seeming perhaps a little more perceptive and alert than he had been in the past three hours (of action packed movie footage). 

                "Perhaps it is time for you guys to actually do some Fellowshipping," Celeborn said. Endril raised her eyebrows and Celeborn looked confused. "I mean, haven't you done enough pointless crap here? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?"

                "This is Lothlorien. It is the home of pointless crap," Boromir said, the first positive thing he'd said all day. Then Galadriel swooped out of a tree and proceeded to EAT Boromir.

                "NO! I still have to do my dramatic death scene!" he wailed ineffectually. Then he was gone.

                "Awww. I was just starting to like him," Aragorn said. Then everyone promptly forgot Boromir ever existed.

                "Um, does Galadriel do that often?" Legolas asked, genuinely concerned.

                "Lembas withdrawal," Celeborn said matter-of-factly. "She's been like this for a few weeks now. Quite frightening, actually. Never knowing when your wife of a few million years is going to snap and swoop down and eat you." 

                "Yes, I can see how that would be disconcerting," Endril said.

                "And worrisome," August pointed out. 

                "Sometimes I think Arwen might swoop down and eat me," Aragorn said out of nowhere.

                "We all think that Aragorn," Legolas said.

                " I'll protect you from her, 'Ragorn," Endril said with conviction. Then, without any warning whatsoever, ninjas came out of the trees and put Aragorn in a sack (only able to accomplish this because of a certain concussion).

                "NAZIS!" Aragorn yelled, muffled by the sack, and then he was gone, and the ninjas with him. Crickets chirped loudly.

                "I guess we should get some sleep," Celeborn said. "Especially if you have to LEAVE tomorrow. Very EARLY, if you want to rescue Elessar," Celeborn said.

                "We'll be back, don't worry," said Legolas cheerfully.

                "Someone has to make sure Galadriel doesn't swoop down and eat you," August pointed out. Celeborn wondered briefly which fate was worse; being eaten by his wife, or having to spend one more God-awful day with these crazies.

                And thus, with a good deal of grumbling, The Fellowship (or the portion of the Fellowship we the Authors have portrayed above) and the three tag-along Mary-Sues and Glorfindel dashed off to go find and rescue Aragorn from certain…well…probably not death but we can safely assume Aragorn of the Head Injury will go through a great deal of harassment by the ninjas. And they ran off into the second dramatic aerial shot.

**End Chapter the Eighth.**

Authors' Notes: Hello all! (Endril: Hullo!) I realise the lack of time continuity in this chapter…erm, let's just assume the time-space continuum has been royally screwed up over the course of the fic. Which it has. ( Endril: We don't tend to make it easy for you, do we?). So, our original plan was use our Mad Mary-Sue parody powers to go back in time and film LOTR in Middle-Earth, with the original characters, before Jackson (OR Bakshi) had the chance to do it. Heehee. But that, as many things go, did not pan out.  (Endril: not usually a big fan of Mary-Sue myself, but since it's a parody, that's alright then. I think it turned out quite well considering the time of night that we usually write at.) So Boromir's alive at the beginning of this chapter, I realise I killed him off earlier, sorry. It happens. Deal. (Endril: chances are that by the next chapter, Boromir will be alive again so that, once again, he may be killed. Please don't get the wrong idea. We don't actually hate him that much.) Actually, since watching Goldeneye (Under protest, I might add) August has developed a new respect for Sean Bean as an actor. And he's cooler than some other Seans I could mention. (Endril: coughStupidfathobbitcough. However, this new respect as Auggie calls it won't stop our joy of killing Boromir over and over and over again! I'm not a violent person, really!!! That's August. See what she does to me?) ANYWAY. If the plot ever gets back on track (i.e. us rescuing Aragorn from NINJAS) I'll do mad cool chapters based on TTT: the film. Happy? If so (or if not, for that matter) REVIEW! I really appreciate it when people review. (Endril: Maybe she'll let me write with her again! Please review! I've never gotten reviews before, as my computer won't let me have my own account on FF.net. oh well. REVIEW! LUV YA!)

Yeah. Review. Even if you hated this chapter. And if you did hate it, I'll send Galadriel to swoop down and EAT YOU. ^_^.  Ja, matta ne!

~August (and Endril)


	9. chapter nine: ADD ON MADNESS!

When Fangirls Attack!

Chapter..Um..9. 

ADD-ON MADNESS!!

Disclaimer: Actually, there are very few instances of fangirls actually attacking anyone in this chapter, which was written jointly between Endril and myself. And when I say jointly, I mean we wrote this on sheets of notebook paper and passed it back and forth in class. The results are justifiably scary and unpredictable, so read at your own risk. Just for fun, I'll put Endril's bits in italics, so that you the esteemed reader can get a look inside both our heads. We don't own anything, so don't sue us. 

And thus follows the chapter, which has absolutely no relevance to the previous chapters. And we occasionally interrupt it with our own speech. Like now: 

Hello! We should write a story. _Now? ^_^_ Yes. You wanna start? _Um….no, you start._ Okay! Umm. One day, Aragorn was walking down a road. Angstily. _He came across a pretty blond Elf-man sitting in the middle of the road playing with a shiny bow_. And Aragorn said,

            "Legolas, what the hell are you doing here?"

            _"Pretty…shiny…boooow." Legolas said happily. Aragorn wondered angstily if his friend was drunk_. And knowing the people Legolas hung out with, he probably was. So Aragorn was about to pick his friend up and try to get him sober when they were attacked by _rabid Jedi Knights carrying broken beer bottles and lightsabres. Aragorn_ said:

            "Wait-rabid? I'm very confused." And Obi-Wan was all,

            "You an me both, brother." _Then Aragorn carried Legolas over his shoulders like a fireman does, and_ went off to go watch James Dean movies. *Evil laughter* _Confused, the rabid Jedi Knights went back home. But Aragorn got bored because the angstyness of James Dean rivaled his own reputation_. So he kicked the television, and ended up breaking his toes. And then Boromir showed up. 

            _"You always have to do something so angsty!" Boromir said angrily. Aragorn pouted and Legolas got his drunken bum off the ground and shoved Boromir_. And then August stepped in because Legolas shouldn't be so violent when he was drunk, and Boromir really did have a valid point. _But that made no difference as Boromir sucked, so Endril stepped in to fix Aragorn's T.V._ So August founded an abused character refuge, so Boromir could live in peace with the Elves and get some counseling. Actually, she just sent him to Rivendell. _Where Elrond made him pick out his council dresses and let him braid his hair_ and Glorfindel ate lembas and bitched about having his part stolen. And Boromir became a fashion consultant. ^_^.

            _And back to our story, August was looking for some action_. August needed some clarification, because she could easily take that sentence the wrong way and Legolas was drunk, after all. _But August wouldn't take advantage of a drunk Lego (well, she would, but not that night), so instead she took away all sharp objects to play with by herself_. Huh? I'm confused. And August left the story. _And Endril did too, because this story sucks and we need to start over_. But they didn't get a chance to start over, because they were attacked by Nazis, for REAL. _Luckily Legolas was Aryan, so he was safe, but Endril and the rest wanted to kick some ass_. And Faramir joined in the fight because you know what? He was Jewish! But not Boromir. _Aragorn possibly being Jewish (but in all reality just wanting to kill Nazis) took up his mad-cool weapons and some torches_. And Faramir sat in a basement making explosives, and Legolas danced in the meadow, _because being an Aryan Elf, he was a little strange in the head_._ Endril and Aragorn practised targeting and August was scary making explosives with Faramir_. That could also be taken the wrong way, Endril. (Wink) _You just have a dirty mind (though is understandable)_. Sad but true. Hey, D'you think Elrond is Jewish? _Hugo: probably not. Not many Aussie Jews, I think. Elrond, quite possibly_. So..um…

            _"Elves aren't Jewish!"_

_            "They CAN be!" ^_^_ shouted Elrond, who was getting rather pissed off. And then he proceeded to kick ASS. _And…since Aragorn is his foster son and therefore raised Jewish, he is Jewish! (haha! ^_^)_ But a particularly militant Jew.

            "This is for the Munich Olympics!" Aragorn yelled, beating a Nazi to death. _Endril loved Aragorn very much, so she too killed Nazis_. And August just liked killing Nazis. And Faramir liked making explosives, so they named him 'Faramir the Lab Guy.' _And Legolas, tired of frolicking (gasp!) came also with his mad arrow-glands_. But he killed about a billion Nazis, and everyone glared at him. 

            _"That was My Nazi to kill!" whined Faramir. Endril saw this could get dirty_. And not in that way. Although Legolas never really does get dirty, does he? _No, never. Aragorn, on the other hand, is quite dirty. (Not that way, either)._ Elrond made sure of that. Maybe he's orthodox or something. _No sex before marriage, eh? Poor Aragorn has to wait like, 80 years then, book-wise_. No wonder he has so much rage. _I think we have made a very important discovery. Maybe Aragorn deserves to be angsty_. *Ahem* and then Satch started kicking some ass. _Poor Aragorn. __L_ And Liam Neeson drove his car off into the sunset. 

            _Because all the Nazis were dead, Elrond, seeing Endril fawn over Aragorn, locked the poor man in a closet_. And Legolas went back to being drunk, and Boromir joined the French Foreign Legion. _We're back to where we started_…And you know what happened next? Boromir, through a random act of necromancy, raised the Mummy from the dead! WOO! Crossover! _Legolas was happy because he suddenly was handed a flask. Looking up, he saw a skinny man named Jonathan in a lounge jacket_. The lounge jacket was all-important, _so Jonathan, in a move at friendship, gave one to Legolas, and the two became great friends (very drunk great friends)_. And it turned out that Aragorn-dude was in actuality-Aragorn's little brother!! *gasp* and they kicked much ass. _And because Aragorn now had a little Arabian brother, cool Aragorn-man set off to set Aragorn free of the closet_. His name is Ardeth. Which is a suitably Numenorean name. _Because he, despite being Arabian, was a ranger. The new company of Jonathan, Ardeth, Endril, August, and Legolas started out on a dramatic aerial shot_. Excellent. _Suddenly Godzilla appeared, who was really a Japanese man in disguise_. A small, small Japanese man in a rubber suit. _He really was only 5 feet, 4 inches tall_. And then Jonathan threw up on him. _Legolas did too, and the new friends fell down in unconsciousness_. _The man in the Godzilla suit ran screaming from the group_. And Ardeth gave him a cool salute thingy. _Because he's awesome_. _Then they continued to Rivendell to free Aragorn from the closet_. Of course, Elrond wasn't going to put up with someone freeing Aragorn (so he can go and do depraved things, god only knows.) so he sent Glorfindel and Boromir the fashion consultant to stop them. _But Glorfindel was too damn pretty for that sort of thing, fighting fangirls and all. _

            "Eh…go fight them, Boromir." Said Glorfindel, who was inspecting his fingernails _(in the manly way of course). Boromir whined, but fearing the wrath of Elrond (and who wouldn't?) took up arms and marched out to meet them_. Brandishing a hair dryer. _When the group saw him, they laughed so hard they pulled a Sobotka and cried_. Of course, this only made Boromir more upset, so he ran up and hit the unconscious Jonathan on the head with the hair dryer. _Since he was already unconscious, this of course had no effect whatsoever, and they laughed even harder_. So Boromir sat down and pouted, throwing the hair dryer away angrily. _Legolas, angry on Jonathan's behalf (as the bump on the head would hurt more than the hangover in the morning) kicked Boromir feebly_. Which caused said pouting guy to start crying, which really was rather sad. 

            "Aww," said August and Endril, feeling slightly bad for the poor man suffering from helicopter-phobia.

            "I'm  afraid of helicopters!" Boromir cried. "Hold my hand!"

            "Um…ookay…" said August, who was using this opportunity to steal his spare arm gauntlets. "You  know, Boromir's almost cute in a way-"

            "AUGUST! FOCUS!!"_ Endril screamed, horrified though more afraid at the thought that she had nearly agreed. "We have to save Aragorn!" She cried. "Boromir, you could defy Elrond and help us. We won't be mean to you anymore."_

            "Promise?" asked Boromir, looking like nothing so much as a kicked puppy.

            "Yes, yes, we promise." Endril and August chorused.

            "If I may, I believe my brother's plight requires our attention." Said Ardeth, looking urgent.

            _"Boromir, you must lead us to the closet!" Endril said, helping the poor man to his feet._

            "Yes!" cried Boromir, doing a touchdown dance. And then he led them into Imladris, playing the Fellowship Theme ™ on a kazoo. _They finally reached Rivendell, and crouched down in the bushes. Legolas and Jonathan (both awake now, for better or worse) were playing rock paper scissors on who would get to tackle Elrond. Ardeth meanwhile was having an in-depth conversation with his falcon._

            _"Pshaw!" Lego said. "Thou art no Elf! You have not the gift of animal-speech!" He was still drunk, so Ardeth gave him his mean stare and began a plan with the others._

            "Will this plan involve a stakeout?" Boromir asked hopefully.

            "NO." said the rest of the rescue party in unison.

            _"Shucks." Said Boromir dejectedly._

_            "Listen up," Ardeth said angrily. "Boromir, go distract Elrond somehow. Keep him busy for us while we break my kin out of this predicament."_

            "Fiiine…" Boromir whined, and quietly stalked off down the hall. There was a CLANG, followed by a THUD, and Boromir came stalking back. "There, he got distracted." He said bluntly. _The rest stared at him._

_            "Umm…okay then!" August said. Elrond currently unconscious, the group went into the home and searched out Aragorn's room. Elrond, as it turned out, had a lot of closets; he had a lot of frocks._

            "Oh, this is impossible." August asserted. "We'll never find him. Might as well go wake up Mitzy and have him give us the key…"

            "Wait." Said Jonathan "Oh help!" he cried in an amusing falsetto. "We are besieged by the minions of Hitler!!"

            _Suddenly there was a large amount of kicking and thumping and curses from somewhere down the hall. Endril hugged Jonathan for his brilliantly drunk cleverness, and the group ran down the hall towards where Aragorn obviously was trying to break out of a closet._ Ardeth got there first (predictably) and began hacking away at the door.

            "Stand BACK!!" a muffled voice shouted from inside. Fortunately Boromir still had his shield, and as such managed to deflect most of what turned out to be a good-sized explosion of sharp wooden splinters and bits of sequined frock. _When the mess cleared the group could see a very disgruntled-looking Aragorn sitting in a pile of pretty multicolored frocks and headdresses, and a lot of broken wood. His hair was mussed from being locked inside the closet for so long._

            "NAZIS! Where are they?!!" Aragorn yelled in a haggard voice. Endril winced. 

            "Um, sorry luv, but we just had Jonathan say that so we could find you."

            "You are free, my brother." Said Ardeth, once again doing the Royal Numenorean Blessing.

            "I have a brother?" _he seemed a little confused and out of it. Endless hours in darkness without food will do that sometimes. Ardeth helped Aragorn to his feet and brushed off sawdust and wood splinters from his hair and awesome threads. _But before anyone could question anyone else's parentage, a loud, pained, and very angry string of Elvish curses issued from Elrond's chambers. Followed by a yell of utter hatred that would strike fear into the heart of Morgoth himself. Boromir looked about ready to faint.

            "Okay people, time to go!" he yelled, and dragging the nearest person by the arm, ran off down the hall.

            _"For once I agree with Boromir," Aragorn said, looking frightened for the first time that Endril could remember. _

_            "Make a run for it, before he sees his frocks!" August cried, pulling Legolas along with her; Jonathan pulled up in a getaway car._

_            "What in Hell is that?!" Aragorn screamed, and the other Middle-Earthers cowered before the autocar._

            "Doesn't matter!" Endril screamed. "Get in the damn car!" they complied.

            _"Damned outlanders and their wily ways!" cursed Elrond as he ran towards them. Endril couldn't help but notice that he was wearing a very pretty burgundy frock  with gold trim. Seeing Elrond coming at them, Jonathan tried to start the car, but either it was broken or he was just too drunk._

_            "Why didn't we get our licenses when we had the chance?!!?" wailed August. Legolas, Aragorn, and Faramir cowered in the backseat as the metal monster they sat in made very frightening noises. _

            "Faramir, where the hell have you been?" asked Boromir angrily. His voice was a bit muffled, since he was hiding in the trunk.

            "I was in the basement, making explosives." He explained simply. 

            "Jonathan, get this car started right now, or I swear to god you will not live to see the light of another day!!" August screamed. She was fast becoming unhinged. "Although that's looking quite likely anyway! Ha!" August dissolved into hysterical laughter as Elrond bore down on them, having acquired a horse from somewhere. 

            Finally, with a great deal of curses and numerous kicks to the vehicle, (on the part of Endril) the car started and sped off. August meanwhile was still completely hysterical, and flailing about madly. 

            "Do we have to stuff you in the trunk?" Ardeth asked imperiously.

            "Nooooo." August mumbled crazily. "Elrond's gonna cast us into the fires of Mt. Dooooooom!" Legolas grinned, procuring a bottle of NyQuil and some Pixy Stix from out of nowhere. 

            "This'll calm her down."

            _"Oh dear lord no!" Endril cried. "It's inhumane! It's…" August accidentally slapped Endril across the face in her flailing. "our only hope to shut her the hell up!" she held her friend down while Legolas expertly poured the concoction down August's throat. Jonathan's driving was continually getting worse as his blood alcohol level rose, and Aragorn, Faramir, and Boromir were paralyzed in fear; partly from the car ride, partly because Elrond was using his  mad Agent Smith skills to hunt them down._

_            "Aragorn!" He was shouting. "Get your ass back in your closet!" Aragorn tried to get out of the speeding car to comply (how could one hope to win against Elrond?), and was desperately trying to jump._ His attempts at jumping were hindered by the fact that Endril had cleverly fastened Aragorn to his seat using his masses of belts. 

August was currently slumped over in the backseat, having collapsed onto Faramir.

            "Elllf boy…" August called in a bizarre voice. "c'mere Elf boy! Kiss kiss."

            "August, FOCUS." Said Legolas, beginning to regret his actions. 

            "Heehee, Can't. Sowwy. Hug?" August said, looking beseechingly at Ardeth and Boromir.

            "I can't breathe!" Faramir protested. _Endril glared at him as she held tightly to Aragorn, still frightfully trying to get out of the car. _

_            "Please," he begged. "Let me go to my closet. He told me to!" Elrond was fast getting closer._ Endril was beginning to panic. Aragorn really needed some sense slapped into him, but she wasn't about to do the slapping. Faramir was in the process of constructing a Molotov cocktail out of August's magic 8-ball. August was in the process of falling asleep, since it turned out that in emergency situations, Boromir can be used as a pillow AND a flotation device. But then Jonathan swerved and hit a large rock, and several things happened at once. _Everyone flew from the car and was thrown into the river that magically appeared for this convenience. Faramir was hit in the head by a flying, semi-conscious August, Jonathan smashed into Faramir, and once in the water everyone clung for their lives to Boromir, who was now being used as a flotation device. _

            Everyone except for Aragorn, who was currently sinking along with the car, being still fastened to it. August and Jonathan were both in no state to swim, and as such were being monitored closely by Endril and Legolas. Ardeth dove under the water to save his brother, and everyone else looked on in concern. Except for Boromir, who was getting tetchy. 

            "Could everyone please stop manhandling me?" he protested. "I'm losing blood flow to my legs. OW!"

            _"Shut up." Endril snapped, trying to balance an unconscious Jonathan, who didn't have enough upper body strength in his thin, weak self to swim anyway, over Boromir's back._

_            "I looove you, Green Eggs & Ham," August mumbled in a smile, stroking Legolas' hair. She turned drunkenly to Endril.         "That sentence about Jonathan was the one with the thing at the end of the thing!" she said._ She then began to sink into the water. 

            "Dammit, someone get her before she drowns," Said Legolas. Endril manage to do this, and August was dumped unceremoniously on Boromir's chest. 

            "Ow! I'm not a damn seafaring vessel, people! I can't take this kind of abuse!" At that moment Ardeth's head burst out of the water, carrying Aragorn with him. _Aragorn also now looked unconscious, and he too was draped over Boromir's body. The remaining group, Endril, Legolas, and Ardeth (well…and Boromir, but currently was busy trying not to sink), stared at their companions. Only then did they remember that Elrond was after them. Oh wait, Faramir was awake too. The group constantly kept_ forgetting he existed, which was beginning to get on his nerves. Of course, some things were more important then Faramir, like making sure they all weren't murdered by an enraged Elf lord. 

"We must make for the opposite shore!" Ardeth cried, just as Elrond summoned up a flood to hinder their progress. _The flood succeeded in capsizing Boromir (can humans capsize?), and all the unconscious members of the party were subsequently thrown into the river's depths. Ardeth and Legolas rescued them, putting then back on Boromir, who moaned pitifully. Ardeth put his ear to Aragorn's chest. _

_            "We need my brother's wisdom! Someone give him CPR!" Ardeth yelled over the flood. _

_            "Ooooh! Oooo! Me! Me!  I will!" Endril practically screamed, shoving Ardeth out of the way. _

_            "Hey, wait a second!" Legolas whined._ "I'm far more qualified as a healer than-"

            "Hands off, Elf boy!" Endril roared. "Miiine. No one gives Aragorn CPR but me!"

            "Can we perhaps, I don't know, focus?" Faramir asked angrily. Ardeth sighed.  

            "If you're so intent on healing somebody, go give August CPR!" Endril yelled, and proceeded to give Aragorn mouth-to mouth.

            "August is unconscious, not in cardiac arrest." Legolas pouted. "Stupid mortals." Aragorn was slowly coming back to life, but this process was hindered when the operating table hit a rock and doubled over in pain.

            _"Hold still, Boromir!" Endril shouted as poor Boromir struggled to stay afloat. "Aragorn's dying up here!" As the flood grew stronger, Endril went back to giving Aragorn CPR. Finally after a few heart stopping moments, Aragorn began to cough and sputter up water from his lungs. "Oh my poor dear!" Endril said, trying to hug him. Ardeth detached her from his brother to give him breathing space. (which, as he had just been in cardiac arrest, he needed greatly). _Endril pouted. 

            "Where's my sword?" Aragorn gasped. They all blinked in confusion, because he was wearing it. 

            "It's…It's right there." Endril stated. 

            "No. Where the Hell is ANDURIL??!" the ranger bellowed. The flood wavered at the anger in his voice. 

            _"Excuse me," piped up Jonathan, who seemed to be awake now, but slightly unsteady. "Could we focus on something slightly more important…like he bloody FLOOD?!"_

            "No, the flood doesn't matter! I need my damned sword, and I need it now!" the watery onslaught continued. Elrond seemed to be laughing heartily from his position on the riverbank. "Heed my words, Peredhil!" Aragorn yelled in a commanding tone. "If you do not surrender Anduril to my possession right now, I swear by the all the powers of the Valar and Illuvatar himself that I shall inflict pain upon your pointy-eared head such as you have never known in all your eons of life!!" Everyone blinked in shock; except for August and Jonathan, who was again unconscious. Elrond laughed _pointedly at said human._

_            "My son, you know full well you have no power over me. Just wait until I get down there. You'll be begging to be locked back up in said closet!" Elrond said with something that sounded strangely like a giggle. _

_            "Oh wait, here's Anduril," piped up Endril meekly. It seemed that Boromir had it belted to him for some strange reason. _ 

            "What's that doing here?" Boromir gurgled in confusion. Aragorn glared at him.

            "You stole my sword!" Aragorn yelled. "You thieving bastard!"

            "I did not!" Boromir was indignant. "Besides, you're the one who stole me gauntlets!"

            "You were dead!"

            "Only mostly dead, damn you!" the argument could very well continue all day.

_Endril swam up and slapped Boromir in the face (she didn't dare do the same to Aragorn, as that would have marked her for death). _

_            "Focus, damn you!" she yelled. "What about the (string of dirty curses) flood? Aragorn, get us OUT of here!"_

_            "Hey, why is it always ME?" he said angrily. Legolas snapped something in Elvish as the flood rose to drown them out._

Fortunately, one of Jonathan's random trinkets he'd 'found' conjured up an army of demon pygmy aquatic alligator mummies, which attacked the flood. In the process, the entire group was swept unceremoniously onto the shore. The painful, rocky shore. 

            _"Wow that was terribly convenient!" Jonathan said lightheartedly. A few minutes later after a long silence Jonathan only had one more comment, which was this: "Ow."_

_            "I'm in pain," remarked Legolas."  _

_            "Thanks for stating the obvious," Faramir (once again remembered) said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. _

_            "Ouchie." August said happily before lapsing back into unconsciousness. _

_            "Are we out?" Boromir asked incredulously._

_            "Is Elrond still out to eat my soul?" whimpered Aragorn. _

_            "Ow! Fuck! Where's Alan Rickman?!" Endril demanded, slightly delirious._

            "Who?" Ardeth asked, as he was in danger of being overlooked. 

            "Hey, August's not awake yet." Endril was concerned, if still delirious. "August, wake uuuup!"

            "Maybe she has a concussion." Aragorn piped up.

            "Maybe the drugs didn't wear off yet." Said Endril, glancing darkly at Legolas.

            "Or maybe her mind had been taken over by the evil minions of Mordor, who are at this very moment waging an horrific battle for her soul!" Jonathan suggested.

            "I seriously doubt August has been possessed by orcs." Boromir said, wincing. "Oh Eru, my ribs…I think they're broken."

            "Googleybear!!" August said suddenly, sitting up and glomping Boromir, who let out a strangled yell of pain. 

            "Oh good lord, she's gone insane." Legolas said in horror. "August! Focus! Look at me! Look at pretty Elf boy!"

            _"Oh, let her be," Endril said with a wink aimed at Boromir, who looked down with confusion and distrust at August, currently attached to his chest, her arms locked tightly around his waist. _

_            "Are you sure she's not possessed by the evil minions of Mordor?" Jonathan asked, and Endril couldn't tell if he was frightened or disappointed. Knowing Jonathan it was probably the former, but one never knew. Endril, ignoring this new infatuation August had with Boromir, got up from her spot on the sharp rocks._

_            "Well, we've escaped the wrath of Elrond and his flood," she said. _

_            "you sure?" whispered Aragorn, looking around in a paranoid manner. _

_            "Yes," Endril said, hugging him, because you can never get enough Aragorn loving. "So, what happens now?"_

            "We save the world from Christopher Lee?" Legolas suggested.

            "Nah," said Jonathan. "We should get drunk and save the world from reincarnated Egyptian overlords."

            "Or perhaps," Aragorn said, looking around to make sure Elrond had gone. "We take the Paths of the Dead to Minas Tirith and wrest control of the city from that miscreant Denethor." He had a crazed look in his eyes. 

            "Hey!" Boromir shouted, managing to sound threatening despite his new parasite. "That's my dad you're talking about, Ranger!"

            _"Well, that's my kingdom your dearest daddy has!" Aragorn shouted dangerously. He did that cool book thing where he seems to grow really tall and stuff. Endril looked at him with watery eyes._

_            "I'm scared of Orcs. Hold my hand." She pleaded. He stared at her as if she'd gone mad. Boromir would have tried to attack Aragorn if August didn't snuggle deeper into his shoulder._

_            "You should wear leather…lots of tight black leather," she said happily._

            "What is this new devilry?" Boromir muttered, trying to shake August off. Aragorn was still doing his 'aura of divine nobility' thing, and was looking rather frightening. In an awe-inspiring kind of way. Endril was getting dangerously close to fainting. And then Elrond quietly walked up and smacked Aragorn in the back of his head.

            _"OW! __Ada__!" Aragorn whined, suddenly no longer tall and noble but head down in obedience. Jonathan, frightened of Elrond for good reason, took a very large drink of booze and hid behind Faramir._

_            "You better stay away from my brother!" Ardeth commanded of Elrond, quite a brave feat. Elrond glared at him and turned back to Aragorn. _

_            "Get back to your closet. I'll deal with you later!" Aragorn slumped off down the rocks._

_            "Hey! That's not NICE!" Endril yelled, kicking Elrond in the shins._ Elrond didn't notice. The situation was getting desperate, as Aragorn trudged back to Rivendell.  Suddenly August had a rare moment of clarity:

            "Oh good God! Elrond, Keanu Reeves is eloping with your daughter!!" Endril had caught up with Aragorn and covered hi sears, ensuring that he wouldn't go into a jealous rage. Elrond however grew wrathful, and the earth trembled as he rushed off to go exact retribution on the actor who wasn't really there. ^_^. 

            "You know Aragorn, your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling." Boromir said thoughtfully. Faramir, concerned for his brother's well-being, was attempting to pry August off of him with little success.

            _"Does this mean I don't have to go back to my closet?" Aragorn asked hesitantly. He had sat down on the rocks, obviously some last demand from Elrond to 'sit and don't move from this spot or you're grounded for life,' and now he was looking around in fear of Elrond's return. _

_            "I need a drink," Jonathan said unhappily, holding his flask upside down. It was empty. _

            "Well, we'll have to remedy that, won't we." Said Endril matter-of-factly. "Aragorn! We have to get Jonathan more booze! This is our quest." Aragorn nodded curtly. August mumbled something about Boromir, and a basket of puppies. Legolas shook his head sadly. 

            _"Hey…you know what, Faramir? You be kinda hot." Endril said out of the blue. _

_            "Okay, this is too much!" Legolas protested. "August sure, she's drunk, but Endril? I thought you loved me best!"_

_            "Umm, Aragorn." Endril corrected gently. "Aragorn is whom I love, but you're a close second. Anyway, I was just saying it."_

            "August!" Jonathan said urgently. "Wake up! We have to get booze!" there was no response.

            "And puppies." Boromir muttered. August became completely alert, an insane gleam in her eyes.

            "Yes! Puppies! Must find puppies!" she trailed off, giggling hysterically. 

            "Hey, how did we fix Legolas when he was like this?" Endril asked, concerned. 

            _"Umm…" no one could really remember this extremely important piece of information. With a sigh, Boromir stood, August attached to his back like a baby monkey, and just as hard to get off as well. _

_            "Puppies and booze?!" Faramir asked incredulously. "That is out mission? What kind of bogus mission is this crap?!" Endril snickered. _

_            "You said 'bogus'," she laughed. Then, with a whirl of authority, Endril faced the group._

_            "And we're off!" she yelled, pulling Aragorn with her. He still looked anxious about Elrond._ Ardeth followed suit, as well as Jonathan (who was now humming the Fellowship Theme™ as he ran). The rest were less keen on traveling long distances for alcohol. 

            "Get off me!" Boromir pleaded. August kicked him.

            "PONY!" she cried. Legolas sighed a weary Elf-sigh.

            "August, I can run much faster than Boro-"

            "PONY!!" August yelled again, and off they went. 

            "Brother," said Faramir as they ran. "why are we being led by a woman? You yourself have been ensnared by this-"

            "Hey." August interrupted. "shut the hell up. You're not Evil Faramir, you're Good Faramir. So zip it."

            _"Oh." Said Faramir, and as Endril was the only one in the group to remember him and say he was cute, he decided to shut up._

_            "You're still cute," Endril said, giving him a hug before skipping back to the front of the line with Aragorn._

_            "What about meeee?" Legolas said sadly._

_            "You're hot, but you're an arrogant bastard." Said August. This, strangely enough, seemed to cheer him up considerably. Then, of course, Chaos ensued. _

The Chaos arrived in the form of 3 metric tonnes of fish, which rained down upon the travelers like…a rain. Of fish.

            "What in God's name is this?!" cried August, who was trying to use Boromir's shield as an umbrella.

            "It's probably due to the flood.." said Ardeth before he was hit in the head by a tuna. Endril laughed, because as it turned out Legolas could not walk on fish, try as he might.

            _"Damnation! I'm an Elf, you hear me?! You can't do this to me! I'm an Elf!" Legolas yelled at somewhere in the vicinity of the clouds, shaking his fist at the sky. Aragorn looked to his brother for advice._

_            "Is this Elrond's doing? Is __Ada__ searching me out with his…strange fish-minion powers?"_

            "Fish-minions?" Faramir asked, if anything now more confused. Jonathan swam in the fish. The meteorological anomaly however had done the good of shocking the sense back into August; she was now debating whether to try and fight the fish-storm, or cower in fear next to Boromir.

            "Aragorn, do you think Anduril would be of some use against this?" Endril asked, frightened.

            "Well no, but I have got a fillet knife in the scabbard…" he replied. August screamed, narrowly avoiding being run through by a falling marlin. 

            "This is not my doing," said Elrond, who had appeared out of nowhere. "This is an older evil. More sinister."

            "More sinister than you?" Aragorn asked in awe_, then remembering that his father had it in for him, nervously joined his brother a good 12 paces away from the half-Elven lord. Ardeth was currently trying to unstick Jonathan out of the sea of fish; Jonathan was making his great discomfort well known to the others by his muffled screams and shouts under the fish. The fish were quickly piling up to the point where it grew difficult to breathe. Worse yet, the fish were alive which was an extremely icky feeling. Endril was slowly losing consciousness; August was screaming incoherently and hyperventilating, and for once it wasn't because of a hot guy. _

            "We're gonna die!!" Boromir yelled, panicking. Legolas glared.

            "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" The Elf prince bellowed in rage. At the same time, laser death beams sprang from his fair Elvish eyes and began vaporizing the fish.

            _"Jesus Christ Superstar!" August yelled in both delight and surprise. "What the hell it that!" Aragorn, seeing that Jonathan was in danger or being vaporized along with the fish, blocked a laser beam with his sword._

_            "For the love of God someone pay attention to him quick, before he kills us all!" Aragorn yelled in an impressive moment of bravery._

            "No! If we pay attention to him, we'll be buried alive in fish!" Endril protested. 

            "Buried Alive!!" Faramir said in an ominous voice. Aragorn growled (yes, growled, he's entitled) and began pushing Legolas forward to vaporize a path though the fish. 

            "Go forth, son of Thranduil," said Elrond in an imperious voice. "For in the West lie people who will pay attention to you."

            "They had Better." Legolas said darkly, still burning a path with his Laser Death Vision™. _Aragorn looked sadly at his sword, currently in the process of melting. _

_            "ANDURIL!" He cried out in a pain-filled voice. "Not again!"_

_            "Oh, don't be a baby," Elrond said angrily, as his frocks were getting fishy-smelling and greasy. _

_"I hate fish," Jonathan said sullenly. Within minutes the rest of the fish were vaporized into nothingness, and all that remained of the incident was a terrible smell._

_            "Thank GOD that's all over," Boromir said, which of course, jinxed their good luck because_ the ground began to rumble ominously.

            " What NOW?!" Aragorn said bitterly, still weeping over Anduril.  

            "Eesh," said August, who snapped her fingers. In a puff of smoke, the sword was restored.  " So what're we fighting NOW?" The cloud of dust which bore down on the group quickly revealed it to be a horde of rabid fangirls.

            "Oh good GOD." Said Aragorn in utter terror. Ardeth trembled, and Legolas actually looked glad to see the mob.

            "Well, if we stay by Boromir, we should be safe," Endril logicked. "No one likes him."

            "HEY!" he shouted in protest. But Endril DID have a valid point. Faramir unused to such obsession was spazzing out.

            "August! Elrond! Do either of you have any, I dunno, defensive magic?" Jonathan asked. He too was frightened, because for once in his life he was sober.

            "Um…no," said August.  "no time." Elrond nodded in agreement. 

            "We're doooomed," the Elf lord said bitterly.

            _"But I don't WANT to die!" Jonathan cried. "Doesn't ANYONE have any booze?!?!" _

_            "I think Boromir IS the safest," August agreed, after examining the group.  "Most in danger, DEFINENTLY Aragorn and Legolas." Aragorn shivered, and Legolas beamed in pride.  _

_            "And the rest of you aren't exactly unloved," Endril pointed out. Fans were launching themselves in deadly pursuit of Ardeth, Faramir, and even Elrond and Jonathan._

_            "Fuck," Endril said, giving the entire situation in one word. On a second thought, two words. "Holy Fuck," she said again. _

            "We're doomed…," August said sadly. "We need a miracle."

            "We NEED a weapon of mass destruction," said Endril, getting angry that so many fangirls were chasing after Aragorn.

            "I'm an under appreciated character!!" Boromir whined. "None of these maniacs love me!"  
            "Wait, that's it!" August cried.  "We need an unappreciated character! We need….. (dramatic pause) SMAUG."

            _"But… what about me?" Boromir thought. "I thought that's where this was going!"_

_            "Some other time, another day,  my dear," August said absent-mindedly._

_            "SMAUG?!" said Jonathan, shivering despite the fact he didn't know who it was.  OR maybe that was the withdrawal from the booze._ It was probably the booze, I'm guessing. Or the scary fangirls chasing after him. Legolas and Aragorn now appeared to be crowd-surfing.

            " I COULD summon that evil," said Elrond. "But he would not hesitate in destroying both Legolas and Elessar." August frowned, and then quickly stole Boromir's shield.

            "Okay, we get Legolas to grab Aragorn and shield-surf outta there," she said, managing to toss the armament to Legolas. Elrond, go do your stuff."

            "My shield!" cried Boromir. He was getting terribly upset.

            _"Shouldn't….shouldn't I fight?" Aragorn asked hesitantly, a hand on his sword._

_            "Don't you give me that lip, young man," Elrond said sternly. Ardeth put a hand on his brother's shoulder._

_            "The fangirls would tear you to shreds. There are too many of them, my brother."_

_            "We never did cover this whole 'brother' thing," he said uneasily. Legolas was disagreeing._

_            "Hey, why run away? They adore me!" he said. "Let Estel take care of himself! I aint scurred of no dragon or fangirls or nuttin'."_

            "You know what? I'm sick of your snotty attitude, Elf boy," said August angrily. After another Bewitched-like snapping sequence, Legolas was replaced by a very large, VERY angry red dragon. Smaug began a rampage.

            _"Where'd Legolas go?" Faramir asked in awe. The dragon roared angrily and flew into the sky, killing fangirls left and right. The dragon didn't seem to bother aiming, as soon fire was raining down on the group as well. Boromir ran, and so did everyone else, Endril dragging Aragorn and Jonathan in tow._

_            "August! What have you done? Elrond yelled as his frock caught on fire, and Ardeth put it out quickly._

            "Shut up and let me think! Arrg, how many fangirls are left?" she asked as they ran.

            "About a third," said Endril. August snapped Legolas' back, and the Elf Prince fell a few hundred feet onto the crowd of fangirls. 

            "You know what? Leave him. He'll be okay." She said grimly. "I motion we get the hell out of here."

            "I second that motion," said Jonathan. " I need booze!!" _Unfortunately Smaug was now angry, and within minutes he was back. The fangirls screamed, momentarily happy with their prize of the pretty Elf-boy, but soon began to break away, torn between their love for Legolas and the fear of death. Some fangirls began to catch up to the fleeing group. One rugby-tackled Aragorn's legs, bringing him down._

_            "__ADA__! Endril! Ardeth!" he yelped as the fangirls smothered her new prize in kisses. "Some-one help me! I would rather be at Smaug's hands than with fangirls!" All the flailing caught the attention of Smaug, who let forth a mighty bellow of fire._

_Consequently Legolas's and Aragorn's hair caught on fire._

_            "NOOOOOO! Not my hair!" Aragorn screamed._

_            "ARRRRGGG! I'm RUINED! I was soooooo PRETTY, dammit!" Legolas screamed before the fangirls helpfully put the fires out.  August snapped her fingers once more, and Smaug was finally gone once again. Endril pulled Aragorn to his feet , and August sighed. A good handful of fangirls remained._

_            "Now leave Legolas. At least he'll be happy here," she said._

_            "Now I really need something to drink!" Jonathan said._

            "Fine, let's go before you forget me again," Faramir grumbled. 

            "But how will we get to a place with liquor quickly?" Aragorn pondered, for he too was now in need of a drink.

            "Road trip, kids." August said as a silver humvee appeared out of nowhere. "Hop in, we're going to Mirkwood." Suddenly Satch also appeared out of nowhere and called shotgun, which was interesting because there actually was a shotgun mounted on the side of the car.

            _"This metal monster is even more terrifying than Jonathan's!" Boromir said stubbornly. "I refuse to get in this death-machine!"_

_            "Agreed," Aragorn said, poking the side of the car gently with Anduril. "We've let you two otherworlders talk us into all sorts of strange things, but this is too much!"_

_            "DON'T SCRATCH IT!" August screeched as Faramir also touched the humvee. _

_            "Well, I'm in!" said Jonathan excitedly, jumping into the humvee. "Can we go fast? Can I drive?"_

_            "You're sober, remember? What fun'll that be?" Satch said, giving Jonathan a hello hug. _

_            "Would you get in the damn car?" August said as she climbed in, Endril sitting in the front, between Satch & August. _

_            "Fine," sulked Boromir. Aragorn sighed._

_            "As long as I don't have to sit next to __Ada__." He gave in. So Aragorn, Boromir, Ardeth, Faramir, and Elrond all got into the humvee, and August stepped on the gas._

            "The fangirls are still coming!" Elrond shouted. "Do something!"

            "Get the 50 up!!" August roared in a good imitation of Tom Sizemore. Aragorn looked up in confusion.

            "What's a 50?" he asked. August turned around for an instant, gesturing to the machine gun mounted on top of the car.             "It's a very advanced piece of weaponry," Endril explained. "I doubt you'd be able to-" But Aragorn and Boromir were already engaged in a bitter deathmatch over the gun. And by deathmatch, I mean a rugged, manly catfight. Eventually Aragorn prevailed (again) and began madly spraying the mob with bullets.

            "No fair!" Boromir whined. August glared, swerved, and barely missed a tree. 

            "Shut up and feed him the ammunition, Boromir." The insane (trigger happy) rampage continued as Ardeth laughed giddily, Faramir and Elrond cowered in fear, and Jonathan pouted.

            _"Take that, you bastards!" Aragorn yelled as everything in his path got filled full of bullet holes. He even let out a 'yahoo!' for good measure. He wildly fired here and there, as he had trouble aiming, and was cutting a path through the fangirls._

_            "Yippie-kai-yay!" Endril whooped, jumping up on Aragorn's back as he fired every which way._

_            "Die, fangirls, die!" she cried out happily._

_            "Evil rampage!" Jonathan cried, perking up just a little._

            "Giant spider!!" August screamed as the humvee hit something large and squishy.

            "GAAAAAAAH!!!" Jonathan screeched in horror. "Not SPIDERS!" Faramir managed to find a flamethrower on his side of the vehicle, and began frying the arachnid in question.

            "Tree!!" Endril yelled, and August swerved again.

            "CAVE!" yelled Boromir, as the entire car pitched into what turned out to be the underground wine cellar of Thranduil, king of Mirkwood.

            _"Booze!" yelled Jonathan excitedly, jumping from the humvee and opening a bottle of yummy looking wine and gulping it down quite fast. His hair looked mussed and his cheeks were ruddy and warm. "Thank GOD!"_

_            "Our mission is completed," Ardeth said, doing the Royal Numenorean Blessing. "My brother has been rescued, and booze found."_

_            "Don't think you're out of trouble now, young man." Elrond scolded Aragorn._

_            "There aren't enough closets here for you to lock me up, __Ada__. Anyway, Thranduil doesn't particularly like you, remember?" Aragorn said lightly._

            "Oh," said Elrond, paling. "Shit." Jonathan was fast becoming incredibly intoxicated, and Legolas (who had showed up out of nowhere, still wearing the lounge jacket) was taunting him.

            "Ha, you can't handle good Mirkwood wine, Jon!" he said, laughing. August was attempting to break into a case of red wine, but Faramir was holding her back.

            "No, I'm not gonna let you get drunk again and molest my brother!" he yelled.

            "Oh, let her have her fun," said Endril. "I can take blackmail pictures.

            "Aren't I more likely to say that?" Satch asked. August glared at her.

            "Shut up and go apologize to Vito." She growled. And Satch left the group. Dejectedly_. "And good riddance!" August yelled as she took a swig (we would like to take one moment to say that we don't encourage the drinking of minors…we don't drink, you shouldn't either) of the wine. Jon grinned as he opened another bottle._

_            "Hold my wine? Why in God's name would I want to hold my wine?" Jonathan asked of Legolas, passing the bottle to his friend. "Let's get drunk!"_

_            "Cheers!" Endril said to Aragorn. "No more closets for you!"_ This statement was true, as Elrond had hightailed it out of there, fearing the wrath of Thranduil. (Whom everyone knew was even more embittered than Elrond, because everyone ignored him.)

            "If only there were some good cheese and crackers…" August said wistfully.

            "Legolash, be a dear and get the lady shome fooood." Said Boromir, who also couldn't hold his liquor.

            "Good lord, this is getting disturbing," said Endril as she observed the scene. "Aragorn, I need to get drunk." _Jonathan stuffed a bottle into her hands. Aragorn glanced around for Elrond, stuck out his tongue, and drank a good half of the bottle, handing the rest to Endril. The room was filled with giggling. Endril and Aragorn were having a slap fight, and Boromir was doing a striptease. _

_            "Wooo!" August catcalled, and the entire group got up and did a dance to Elrond's scary disco music._ Hey. ABBA is not scary disco music. _Um…it is when ELROND sings it._ Oh good GOD. O_o! August fainted. _Because of the wine or the song? The song. And the wine. And the shirtless Boromir. _Hehe. Endril faints because everybody be really hot._ True. So an hour later, everyone was passed out, and Legolas probably had alcohol poisoning. Endril and Aragorn were snuggled together on a couch, and someone really should have taken a picture. If anyone was awake. _But August couldn't as she was too busy being unconscious, bottle of wine still clutched in her hand. It had been a long, long day, and they would spend three getting over the effects of it. __

            And then, owing to the need to finish this damn chapter, they were every one of them trampled to death by llamas.

             THE END.

            …But it will be continued, honest.


End file.
